Alright, break time.
I'm a nice guy. The stereotypical kind that never has any luck with girls, gets his heart trampled on all the time, etc. I accepted this fact a long time ago, so it's just business as usual for me.
About 4 years ago, this kid Mike the Retard used to hang out at my buddy's shop sometimes. He's an idiot but mildly entertaining, so we didn't really mind. One day he starts showing up with this way-too-hot-for-him girl, Renee. She was kind of annoying, but hell, a hot chick hanging out at the shop? Didn't really mind that either.
She drove a '96 ZJ with the 5.2 V8; at the time I was daily-driving my 5.9 ZJ. Hers needed a little work and she was interested in learning about it, so being the nice guy that I am, I told her I'd help her out. First thing was the rear liftgate struts. I had a good set on a parts jeep behind the shop, so she and I headed out back to take them off. I removed the first strut - it's easy, just slide the little clip over and pop it off - and she wanted to do the other one. So I held the lift gate up and witnessed what was probably the sexiest removal of a liftgate strut ever. She had on a little tank top and knew she looked good; obviously I didn't really mind.
So walking back to the shop we start talking a little bit and it turns out she's a stripper at a nearby joint called Centerfolds. Our buddy Mike the Retard frequented the place, so things started making a little more sense. While it's a questionable idea to be hanging out with a stripper from your favorite strip club outside of business hours, that was his problem, not ours...we just got to enjoy the benefits.
A week or two later she brought her ZJ to my buddy's shop to get some more stuff done, and had to leave it there while she went to work. I'm a nice guy so I told her I'd give her a ride there and pick her up later. Dropping her off wasn't a big deal, but man, you want awkward...go sit in a strip club parking lot, when it's dark, and wait for a stripper to come out to your car *after* she's done with her show and all her previous clients are leaving at the same time. I swear there's still some glitter in my ZJ in places I haven't found yet. We had an interesting conversation about how work went, and over the next week or so I talked to her a few more times. Keeping in mind that she was still 'performing' most nights and at this point actually dating Mike the Retard, I was a little wary, but we got along well and I'm a nice guy, so hey, no big deal.
Jump forward another week to my buddy Dave's birthday BBQ. 3 of us at this party - myself, Dave, and Nick - are all very big BBQ fans, we each think our own cooking is the shit, and we all had something to prove that night. We decided to do a BBQ competition and let everyone else at the party decide the winner. So throughout the course of the evening I must have consumed easily 4 or 5 burgers, a big plate of ribs, a pretty sizeable piece of steak...in the end I think everybody won. Those of you who have met me know that I'm not a big dude so this was quite an eating accomplishment for me. Now that everyone is completely stuffed we figured it was time to chill in the hot tub for a while and pound some beers.
Well...10 or so guys in a hot tub is a hell of a sausagefest. It only took one or two beers before Dave brought it up.
"Hey Chris. What's the deal with that stripper chick you've been hanging out with lately? She's pretty hot."
"Um...well, she works at Centerfolds, and she's dating Mike the Retard. We're just friends."
""Just friends" with a stripper? Seriously dude? You have her number, give her a call and see if she'll come over here."
"Naw man, that's probably not a good idea. Mike may be a retard but he's a good guy, I couldn't do that."
Well sure enough, after another 2 beers and another 20 minutes of staring at a bunch of dudes in a hot tub, it started seeming like a great idea. I got my phone and gave her a call.
"Hey Renee, um, you doin anything tonight?"
"Not really, I just got off work, what's up?"
"Well it's my buddy Dave's birthday party and we're having a BBQ. If you've got nothing else to do I figured I'd see if you wanted to hang out." Such a nice guy.
"Hmm, yeah, I guess."
So now my buddy Dave thinks I just got him a stripper for his birthday. She shows up about half an hour later, absolutely dressed to kill. Without missing a beat she gets into this little tiny bikini and hops in the hot tub with all of us. If 10 dudes in a hot tub is awkward, 10 dudes plus one hot stripper ain't much better. Conversation desolves to everyone trying one pickup line after another, and everyone trying to play footsie with her at the same time gets weird real fast. And she loved every second of it. More beers and the night rolls on.
After about an hour Dave starts getting pissed because he thinks I got him a stripper for his birthday, and she's not even really talking to him, let alone stripping. At this point Nick was talking to her the most and looking like he was getting somewhere. Dave tells Nick to get out of the hot tub for a few minutes..."You and I need to go have a few words." They disappear around a corner and about 30 seconds later start fighting.
"It's my XXXXin birthday, she's my damn stripper, you better stand the f down."
"Dude, she's not into you. Get over it."
et cetera.
Renee, who was amused at first, starts getting a little put off by this whole thing. She looks at me with come-hither eyes from across the hot tub, and for a second it was easy to forget that there were still 7 other dudes in there.
"I'm ready to get out of here. Do you think you could follow me home? I'm a little tipsy and I'd feel better if you would."
Mr. Champion Nice Guy to the rescue. Everyone's mouth dropped as she and I get out of the hot tub, walk hand-in-hand past Dave and Nick who were still fighting on the ground, and get into our respective ZJ's. Did Chris really just leave with a girl? That just happened?
Well, if she was 'tipsy'...I was quite a bit past that point. We merge onto the parkway (it's now after 2 AM) and decide that hey, we've both got V8 ZJ's, let's race. As I said, not one of my better moments. If anyone's interested, a 5.9 ZJ will pretty easily pull a few car lengths on a 5.2 ZJ from 65 MPH up to 110. Driving pretty well in the bag, racing/following a stripper home who's dating one of my other friends, doing 100+ MPH...and I get the twinges of an impending epic stomache ache. A case of beer on top of the pounds of meat I'd eaten earlier...well, like I said, not my best moment.
So we make it to her house and I get out of the car to tell her goodnight. We hug and start making out a little bit, then a little bit more...and suddenly, two things happen. I get a severe guilt trip because stripper or not, I'm making out with my buddy's girl...and I get a severe stomach cramp that screams "you're gonna have to do something about this soon."
"Hey, um, Renee, I can't do this tonight. I'm sorry. Mike's my friend and I don't wanna hurt him like that." (stomach gurgling)
"Uh, ok, fine. Thanks for following me, I'll catch ya later." Man, what a nice guy I am.
I walk nonchalantly back to my ZJ, hop in, and mash the hammer all the way home. My stomach is pretty much exploding at this point...and lets just say, things would have turned out a lot better if the toilet had been about a foot closer to the door.
I woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell and a guilt trip to match. Later that day I was back at the shop and Mike shows up. No Renee.
"Hey, um, dude, I gotta tell ya. We were up at Dave's party last night and Renee came by. You know she and I get along pretty well, and we had a bunch to drink...and we kinda started hookin up. Nothing happened though. Really. I couldn't do that to you & your girl, really man, I'm sorry..."
He just kinda looks at me and says, "really?"
"Yeah dude, I swear."
He laughs. "Honestly dude, you shoulda gone for it. I can't stand that bitch. I've been trying to get her to stop bugging me for two weeks now."
Great. Chris the Nice Guy strikes again...and as an added bonus, craps his pants.
The End. I'm not proofreading this.
and write a research paper.
arty
