just wanted to share a laugh with you guys - joke thread keep em coming

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bails85

NAXJA Forum User
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Two Aliens

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> Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
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> The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
>
> The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
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> The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
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> The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
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> Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
>
> The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
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> 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
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> Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
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> 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
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> The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'​
 
I want a raise!

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!​
 
This woman is driving in here Toyota Prius when, out of nowhere, a semi blows through the red light and broad sides her in the intersection.
Next thing she knows, she standing in front of God and she asks "God, is this it, am I dead?"
God says, "no child it was close but, you'll live a long and happy life"
She comes to in a hospital bed and fully recovers.
She then sues the trucking company and wins a huge settlement.
With her new wealth she thinks "hmmm if I'm gonna be around for a while I might as well make a few improvements"
So, she has a tummy tuck done, boob job, nose job......the whole nine yards, she looks hot!
Now she's walking down the sidewalk, digging all the attention she's getting and steps off the curb.....right in the path of a bus. She's dead!
Standing in front of God again, she says "God, I thought you said I was going to live a long and happy life"
God looks at her and says "huh oh, I didn't recognize you!" :D

Hans
 
This is a joke folks. It is not P C.

Jesse Jackson was in Sears to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white. So the clerk called the store manager who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?"
Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the "AGITATORS" are black."
 
man walks into the ice cream parlor and asks for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate, and a gallon of strawberry.
clerk says: sorry sir we have no chocolate.
patron then asks for a quart of vanilla, a quart of chocolate, and a quart of strawberry.
clerk says: sorry sir we have no chocolate.
patron then thinks for a second, and asks for a scoop of vanilla, a quart of chocolate, and a gallon of strawberry.
clerk says: SIR, we have no chocolate.
patron looks frustrated and asks for 2 scoops of vanilla, a scoop of chocolate, and a quart of strawberry.
the clerk then asks the patron: sir, can you spell the van in vanilla?
V.A.N. says the patron
clerk then asks, can you spell the straw in strawberry.
S.T.R.A.W. says the patron
then the clerk asks: can you spell the phuk in chocolate?
the patron says: there is no phuk-in-chocolate.
clerk: THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.
 
calling an illegal alien an undocumented citizen is like calling a drug dealer an unlicensed pharmacist.
 
Disclaimer: this joke is reprehensible and morally degrading. Furthermore it is racially offensive. It is not safe for work nor is it appropriate for young children. If you are easily offended please do not read this. If you are as depraved as I am then read on....










A guy named Cletus is walking along the beach and finds a bottle sticking out of the sand. He picks it up and wipes it off and out pop 2 blonde jeanies. They inform him that he may have 3 wishes. He makes his wishes and the next thing he knows he is standing in a huge seaside mansion with money stacked up all around him. The doorbell rings and when he opens it, there on the porch are 2 figures dressed in white sheets with white hoods. They grab him and take hime to a tall tree in the front yard and procede to hang him from one of the branches until he is dead. When he stops kicking, one of the hooded figures takes off the hood and it is one of the blonde jeanies. She says " I understand why he wanted the mansion and all of the money, but I can't figure out why he wanted to be hung like a black man!"
 
Thank you don't forget to tip your waitress...
 
Two perverts are in a park watching a six year-old girl on a swing. After a while one pervert exclaims to the other, "I'll bet she was a looker in her day!"
 
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting on the curb licking his balls. One of them says to the other " I wish I could do that" to which the other replies "I think you better pet him a bit first".
 
John thank god that we all know you are a pervert.
 
Sleeping with Bob?

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns..

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to
you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They
said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.. I went and tucked Bob into
bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up
and watched me all night."​
 
Sent to me by a friend:

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"
He said "It's President's Day!"
He is a smart kid.
I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

Not sure if it's funny, or painful...
 
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop. :cheers:
 
two drunks come out of a bar and one of them just starts beating the shit out of someone. he yells "youre not so tough batman." his buddy pulls him off and says "dude you just beat the XXXX out of a nun".
 
Actually, I didn't. I got no problem with "racist" jokes, but tasteless racist jokes, not so much.
 
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