Re: THe NAC Lots-O-Post Thread
*A* funny story?
OK, I was gonna save some for Rocktoberfest, but I might have to spill some more beans.
OK so I can't sleep so i'll do a vetteboy style story post and hopefully fall asleep by the end of it.
So here's the story of the pretend hemorrhoid.
So I sit down to take a dump one day and start doing my business. As i'm taking my poo this thing HURTS. I don't even think I bothered to finish. I just squeezed out what I could and tried to avoid taking a dump for a day or two.
Enter dookie blast attempt take 2 after a couple days. STILL hurts to try and push out a log. Okay, looks like I got hemorrhoid. This sucks but whatever I guess it will go away in a week or something.
Few days later... hurts to sit, stand and it's pretty uncomfortable to walk. It's been almost a week since I've had this thing on my butt WTF. So my girlfriend insists that there is ointment I can rub on my butthole to make it heal, but I passed on that idea. My mom's a nurse and I usually go to her for any medical stuff but I held off considering I didn't want to have a conversation with my mom about my poohole. So what she told me is this. Apparently, a hemorrhoid is an irritated/swollen VEIN that has protruded from your hole. This vain sometimes needs to be PUSHED back in there if it doesn't go back on it's own...
YA
SO I am instructed by my mom to put vaseline of all gross things to have in your buttcrack and push this thing back in the in there with my finger... She even warned me it would hurt quite a bit(no shit). So I wanted this gone so I went through with this. Here I am in my bathroom XXXXing covered in vaseline TRYING to stick my finger up my butt basically. To this date I have yet to experience more pain. Eventually my eyes went black. I couldn't see for a few seconds and it cleared up enough for me to limp into my room and pass out.
I tell my girlfriend what happened. Being the concerning type person she is she INSISTS I start putting on some of that ointment crap. So she comes by my house with a tube of this crap. I'm reading it and it says things like "instantly soothing" "immediate relief" and "menthol." I was creeped the hell out by the addition of the menthol but whatever this thing has got to heal.
Again, in the bathroom, with my hand between my buttcheeks. Now i'm smearing ointment all up in there. NOW WTF IT BURNS!? This shit is burning my hemorrhoid, it literally feels like it's on fire or someone poured acid on it. Shit isn't soothing at all!
My girlfriend basically tells me to suck it up and keep putting the ointment like it tells me to on the label. Which I believe was like 4-5 times a day!?
...2 days later I can't walk. It's to the point it hurts even if i'm not on it or even moving. My back and my right leg hurt now too. My girlfriend is still forcing me to get up periodically and rub that dumb ointment on my ass.
Then i'm just on the way to the bathroom and something happens. For whatever reason I felt this extreme pain. Tears in my eyes pain. I was hunched over in my hallway halfway to the bathroom and called my mom to have her call in an emergency appointment at my doctors office the pain was so bad.
I'll skip what happened when I finally made it to the bathroom on the internet

uke:
Well anyway, my girlfriend picked me up and took me to the hospital. She flipped out since I guess I was pale white at this point from all the pain?
Got into the doctors office and rolled over on the table so he could spread my buttcheeks open nice and wide.
Turns out I happened to have an abscess right next to my butthole that I guess I aggrivated the shit out of by trying to push on it and covering it in dumb menthol ointment.
Stupid pretend hemorrhoid