Life advice...

CherBear

CherBear

NAXJA Forum User
Location
Indiana
Yup, that is right, I am asking a forum completely dedicated to 4wd station wagon for advice about my life. Maybe this wasn't the best idea...

Anyways, heres the story. I know this girl (of course it was about a girl :shocked:), me and her met through her ex boyfriend who was a good friend of both ours in high school. Right now me and her are only friends, we almost dated once but it didnt work out.

To the main conflict of this story; she has this horrible boyfriend. I mean horrible, he could for sure go to jail for the things he has done to her. (physical abuse). Truly sad.

The really sad part is she wont break up with him!! he lives an hour and a half away from her right now and he comes and visits every weekend from friday afternoon to Monday morning. This weekend they got in a fist fight in her dorm and she still wont break up with him!!! I am concerned for her safety and dont know what else to do.

Some things i have considered:
Calling the Popo, she would probably deny everything...

Somethings a little less legal than the first route, another group of her male-friends already tried that... to no success.

Of course i have tried talking to her about it, but she always says "But i love him" :puke:

What else can i do?!?! She is a very nice attractive girl and doesn't deserve this at all.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Shorty said:
as much as I hate to agree, I concur. There's nothing you can do to help someone who won't help their self.
Click to expand...

Thats what happened last night, I had to really restrain myself, but I figured if i did anything physical, she would just take his side and it wouldn't help at all.

I think she is honestly afraid of him, hes a good 6'8" 190lbs. ( im not going to have a pissing contest but I think I would win if it came down to that.)

Two nights ago when they got in their big fight, she went down the hall to find her RA to make him leave. She wasnt their. I live just down the street so she was going to call me, but he wouldnt let her have her phone. Reeaaaally pissed me off.

Walking away from something like that is much easier said than done.
 
true enough, but discretion is often the better part of valor.

you say "RA" as in resident assistant? is it safe to assume dorm/college living arrangement? If that's the case, your getting involved can have even bigger repercussions if you, too are a student there. If it's truely an abusive relationship than you should bring it to the attention of the authorities, but if it's consensual for both parties involved, be prepared to lose one as a friend and defend yourself from the other.
 
Have you ever watched "DEXTER" on TV. Great show with some good moral advice for people in your situation.
 
deleted... watch it 8mud
Cher If it were me I would let the local campus police know of the situation and the dean of the dorms. The school can ban him if he is cought or seen fighting with students and he is not one. Otherwise walk away from people that do not want to help themseslves.
 
Shorty said:
true enough, but discretion is often the better part of valor.

you say "RA" as in resident assistant? is it safe to assume dorm/college living arrangement? If that's the case, your getting involved can have even bigger repercussions if you, too are a student there. If it's truely an abusive relationship than you should bring it to the attention of the authorities, but if it's consensual for both parties involved, be prepared to lose one as a friend and defend yourself from the other.
Click to expand...

Yes sorry, I should have mentioned that. We are both at the same college.

The boyfriend is not a friend of mine at all. There is a special place in hell for people like him.

I have pretty much ruled out anything physical, the only thing that would obtain me is personal satisfaction and wouldn't solve the problem. How about advice on things i could simply tell her?
 
Last edited:
Seriously? It's none of your business. If she's not smart enough to help herself, you shouldn't be wasting your energy on it. It's like trying to get someone to quit smoking. There's no point in it. They won't do it until they want to. I echo the "walk away" comment except I say, "run away".
 
about the only thing you can do "for" her is to help her find something that will build her self esteem. If she begins to feel some "self worth" she will be much less likely to put up with his crap. Outside of that, you're just going to be seen as a meddler and probably ignored.
 
You can't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear. She has to get fed up with him and make the break. Nothing you do will make any difference until she makes a move. I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend. She was in an abusive marriage for a long time and finally got a divorce. She is still afraid of him because of his temper and abusive behavior. She wonders if she will ever be free of him. If I take matters into my own hands and do what my testosterone tells me, which is take a bat and cave his skull in, she will be afraid of me too. She's afraid to call the cops for fear of what he will do because of that. It's a tricky situation. Walking away is not my suggestion. Yes it hurts like hell to watch someone you care about in that situation. But she needs support. Abandoning her by walking away will only push her deeper into the situation with the abuser. You have to stay in the background for now. If you are present when he does something, kick his ass and call the cops. Domestic abuse laws have gotten VERY tough. Even if they aren't married. In my state, if the cops show up to a domestic dispute, somebody is going to jail for the night. Period. If they see bruises or signs of violent behavior, she would not be able to prevent charges against him. It would go to the DA. I have talked till I am blue in the face about this stuff to my girlfriend. She's slowly coming around and seeing how truly screwed up it is. We both keep hoping and praying he will grow up, accept reality and move on. But he shows no signs of doing that. And has told her many times he won't move on. Anyway, my advice is to stick around, be her friend, keep your eyes open. Don't do anything stupid that will get you in trouble. But don't walk away.
 
superdave said:
You can't tell her anything she doesn't want to hear. She has to get fed up with him and make the break. Nothing you do will make any difference until she makes a move. I am in a similar situation with my girlfriend. She was in an abusive marriage for a long time and finally got a divorce. She is still afraid of him because of his temper and abusive behavior. She wonders if she will ever be free of him. If I take matters into my own hands and do what my testosterone tells me, which is take a bat and cave his skull in, she will be afraid of me too. She's afraid to call the cops for fear of what he will do because of that. It's a tricky situation. Walking away is not my suggestion. Yes it hurts like hell to watch someone you care about in that situation. But she needs support. Abandoning her by walking away will only push her deeper into the situation with the abuser. You have to stay in the background for now. If you are present when he does something, kick his ass and call the cops. Domestic abuse laws have gotten VERY tough. Even if they aren't married. In my state, if the cops show up to a domestic dispute, somebody is going to jail for the night. Period. If they see bruises or signs of violent behavior, she would not be able to prevent charges against him. It would go to the DA. I have talked till I am blue in the face about this stuff to my girlfriend. She's slowly coming around and seeing how truly screwed up it is. We both keep hoping and praying he will grow up, accept reality and move on. But he shows no signs of doing that. And has told her many times he won't move on. Anyway, my advice is to stick around, be her friend, keep your eyes open. Don't do anything stupid that will get you in trouble. But don't walk away.
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Thanks superdave, thats just the advice I am looking for. I cant stand to just do nothing, but I really am not in the position to live someone elses life for them.
Me and her eat lunch just about everyday, in the real flirty way like she would totaly date me if she wasnt with Mr Douchebag.
My life is a soap opera.:badpc:
 
Abusive relationships usually carry a lot of baggage that needs to be worked through. She needs help from WOMEN who have been there and not you, a caring guy (sorry). There are groups and shelters that can and will help. She needs to be made aware that it isn't her fault. If you know other women you can trust being discrete about the problem, (school counselor maybe?) let them know.
Good luck, Mike
 
you cannot helper her unless she wants the help. until then nothing you can really do about it. sucks but thats they way it is.
 
PhotographerMike said:
Abusive relationships usually carry a lot of baggage that needs to be worked through. She needs help from WOMEN who have been there and not you, a caring guy (sorry). There are groups and shelters that can and will help. She needs to be made aware that it isn't her fault. If you know other women you can trust being discrete about the problem, (school counselor maybe?) let them know.
Good luck, Mike
Click to expand...

Yea I have told her once i could tell her a thousand times, i just dont feel like i am getting through to her at all.
 
CherBear said:
Thanks superdave, thats just the advice I am looking for. I cant stand to just do nothing, but I really am not in the position to live someone elses life for them.
Me and her eat lunch just about everyday, in the real flirty way like she would totaly date me if she wasnt with Mr Douchebag.
My life is a soap opera.:badpc:
Click to expand...


If you already knew what advice you wanted then why did you even ask?

I will bet my next paycheck that you two will never be in a stable normal relationship.
 
Not justifying his behavior towards her in any way, shape, or form - but I wonder how many of his "flare-ups" have occurred due to your presence. You've admitted more than once that you guys have a flirtatious relationship - that she'd be with you if he wasn't in the picture. But get this - even though this guy treats her like absolute garbage, she has NOT left him for YOU. Know why? Mostly, she enjoys the attention. She enjoys the jealousy he exhibits - it shows he REALLY cares. And she enjoys your gentle, caring, sympathetic ear - and she knows you'll be there at the drop of a hat. I went through this crap with a chick back in high school. She started out as a really good friend, then some sparks. Then she tells me that she's in love with someone else, but doesn't want to live without me. He was away in the military, they weren't dating. I figured I had plenty of time to change her mind. Nope. The guy shows up a year and a half later, makes his booty call - that's all she ever was to him - and takes off again.
Dude - you're in college. I'll tell you right now, stressing this much about any girl is going to be something you'll look back on in 10 years and ask yourself "What the hell was I thinking???". Notify her RA and campus security and walk on your way. You've done all you can at that point. As far as how she'll view you after snitching - who cares. Her safety is more important than what she thinks of you. You'll hear from her years down the road thanking you for helping her - if she's able to remove her head from her ass by then.
 
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