First things first - you and your wife (and anyone else older than, say, eight) go NOW and get basic firearms safety and marksmanship training. You'll probably need another course for CCW, but begin at the beginning.
Find a range that allows handgun rental. My suggestion is to try a couple models of .357 (with .38Spl and .357Mag) that feel right - Smith & Wesson and Ruger make decent wheelguns, and try out a 1911-model .45ACP and a .40 or two. 10mm is a bit big for most users, and the 9mm is just plain useless - I don't know why we ever bothered to put them in the inventory - Europe isn't always right, you know...
Figure out something that both of you like, and that you think the kids can use effectively. Bear in mind that if you select an auto (especially a 1911!) you can change parts and tune to all but eliminate felt recoil - I can give you advice on that, and using drop-in parts.
If you select a revolver, start doing some wrist and forearm exercises so you don't notice the recoil so much - there's nothing you can do to the gun to reduce it. You can go with a lighter load, but that reduces the terminal effectiveness of the firearm, and becomes self-defeating.
If you both settle on different firearms, get both, and KNOW HOW TO USE BOTH. You will always perform best with the equipment you're used to, but you should know how to use everything.
As far as accuracy, you aren't going to be shooting at competition, and I've never met a box-stock firearm that wasn't "combat accurate" - meaning you could empty it into a dinner plate at 15 yards or less. My 1991, with minimal accurising, puts all 8 into a plate at 25 yards - but I've been shooting for more years than I should readily admit to (I've been training for about 18 now.)
Another important thing to think about is defence ammo - you won't practice with it (it's a little spendy,) but you need to find something that will behave like it in practice - that's why I don't select anything really exotic for defensive work. My favourite for the .45 is the Federal Hydra-Shok hollowpoint, and my wife has .357 Hydra-Shoks in her old issue piece. Both loads are nearly duplicated in function and ballistics by less expensive ammunition, which simplifies practice.
What calibres do I consider acceptable for personal defence? The .45ACP is pretty much king with me - it's never let me down. Carried it all through my six years in SOCOM, and it has never - not even once - not done the job I needed it to. A well-maintained 1911 has never let me down either - excepting when using dirt cheap ammo. The 1911 also has the ability to be quickly converted to use .22LR ammo for plinking, practice, and fun - and the .22 isn't a bad short-range defensive load (more on that in a bit.) (Auto)
The .38/.357 is a nice pair for general use - you can "plink" with the .38 to get a feel for shooting, and step up to the .357 when you're ready. Both work as defensive loads - but I'd want to move up to the .357 as soon as possible. If you use the .38, do so with "wad cutter" or "semi-wad cutter" bullets, the flat face maximises energy transfer into the target. (Revolver)
If you feel up to the task, the .44Spl/.44Mag is also a good pairing, and can be had in fairly compact packages. It's going to be a bit stouter than the .38/.357, but it gets the full and undivided attention of pretty much anything you need to shoot. (Revolver)
The .40 can be had on so many frames it isn't even funny. It's about the smallest autopistol round I'd use for defence (not counting the .22LR - I'll get there...) and you can select nearly any format you like - I like the Rugers, and the Colt Defender is out there, but you'll probably have to find it used. Ammo is relatively inexpensive and readily available - especially since most PD's that have (mistakenly) accepted the 9mm have finally started thinking and have traded the nines in for .40's. (Auto)
For revolvers, I'd likely select a Smith & Wesson or a Ruger. I DO NOT suggest getting the lightweight/exotic metal frames, since the reduction in mass translates to greater felt recoil upon the hand. You want that little bit of extra weight from using steel - it helps. I'd go so far as to use Stainless - but that's just me.
For autos - similar advice. I prefer autos based upon Browning's designs (mostly the 1911/1991 and Browning Hi-Power,) I think the Berettas are crap, and the Glocks aren't bad (I just have short stubby fingers, and don't like double-column mags. I have a hard time getting a good grip on them.) If possible, get a steel frame instead of polymer - for similar reasons as the steel autos. Also, selecting an 1911/1991 or BHP pattern will give you a lot of options for spare parts and tuning - mostly requiring nothing more than field-stripping your piece to install the parts. Colt, Springfield, Kimber, Les Baer, Wilson, and a lot of other outfits make good 1911/1991-patterned autos - but figure out something you like.
Don't bother with a 9mm for defence - it's got a lot of energy when it hits, but does a poor job of transferring it into the target - which then goes wasted. There are documented instances of police shooting suspects upwards of a dozen time with a 9mm and then getting themselves clobbered - and the vic is found with holes all the way through him. If the bulled exits, that's wasted energy. It does no good to have high-powered ammunition if the power is not expended into the target - and that increases the risk of "collateral damage" - someone behind your assailant can be hit with one of your rounds AFTER it penetrates - but YOU are still liable. Do the job right - go with something that hits, expands, then STOPS.
The .22 is an exception to many things - the thing I like about it is that it is light - and can carry easily - is compact, and those little rounds have a lot of energy behind them. They also have a habit of "tumbling" inside the victim - which causes damage all out of proportion to them and also minimises or eliminated the possibility of collateral damage. The fact that it is light and small makes it something you won't mind carrying all the time - and I'd rather have a .22 on my belt than a .44 at home, if it hits the fan while I'm not home. The .22 can be had in autos and revolvers, and the ammo is so damn cheap there's no good reason not to get your practise.
For indoor use, I will suggest a pump 12 gage, filled with #4 buckshot and a "modified" choke. The #4 buck is excellent for home use - it gives a useful number of pellets going to the target, each one has a good share of energy to transfer, the lead pellets tend to deform when they hit (meaning that the energy is transferred mostly or totally to the target,) and they're not so big that you'll overpenetrate with the ones that miss and end up shooting your neighbour. Shotgun ammo is also inexpensive, so you can get in plenty of practise.
I suggest a pump because I have NEVER, NOT ONCE had a pump let me down - even after being dragged through sand, mud, snow, and/or water. Get some range time in, and get used to slapping that pump back and forth - they like abuse. The Winchester 1200/1300/1400, Mossberg 500/590, and Remington 870 are all good choices here.
DO NOT get the pistol grip or folding stock - having the full stock increases your options (ever hear the term "butt-stroked?" Means whacking them with the less dangerous end...) and the pistol grips tend to annoy most female shooters, since it's a sharper impact to the hand. You can still fire a shotgun from the hip with a full stock - in fact, it's easier due to the angle of the grip.
I also agree with RichP - the first time you don't take it with you will be the first time you need it. It's like your pocketknife - if someone asks me if I have my blade, I answer "I'm wearing pants, aren't it?" I've carried some sort of blade every day since my fifth birthday - save Basic, since they didn't let us there. Pulled it out of my mufti and put it back where it belonged as soon as I go to Keesler for Tech - I still feel naked without it.
Which reminds me, a knife is ALWAYS a good adjunct to a pistol, and Gerber and Benchmade both make excellent hard-use knives. Again, pick something you like, and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have it with you. Since CA isn't civilised enough to allow CCW of a firearm, I have my Emerson CQC-7B(LH) and my Gerber-bulit Applegate/Fairbairn folder always available, and my Benchmade Rescue Hook and my Gerber Multi-Plier 600DET are always handy.
If you are going to carry a firearm, you're probably going to carry it on your belt. There are a few ways to go here - I usually wear a Rigger's belt - which is double-layer Nylon, vertically stiffened, and has a "Delta" ring up front next to the buckle. It doubles as an emergency climb/rappel harness, and carries all kinds of stuff for me. You can usually find these for about $30, but they require wide belt loops.
You can also find "formal" belts - they're stiffened leather, and look like dress belts. I know Blackhawk Industries carries a few, and it wouldn't take much looking to find others.
A light coverup usually does well in the summer, if you piece is small enough and the cover is loose enough. I've often carried under an unbuttoned shirt - wearing a tank top underneath. It's a common enough look that no-one looks twice at it. When I bought my suit and my tux, I had both tailored to allow "printless" carry - which has also come in handy from time to time.
If you're genuinely worried about your safety, and have the option, DEFINITELY get your CCW, and keep it up. You'd be amazed how naked you can feel if you don't have it because you can't get it (I can't wait to repatriate myself...) You can still find ways to defend yourself, but I don't like having limited options.
You might also want to look into a "real" defence class - Massad Ayoob puts on an excellent course at his Lethal Force Institute, and Gunsite is still getting high marks (even without COL Cooper running the show anymore.) Consider it "advanced" training - one of you go take it and come back to teach the other one. After all, the best way to truly master a skill is to teach it to someone else.
Once you pick up some knowledge of defence and tactics (mainly "fire and movement,") both of you flush your house out of your mind, then take another look. Figure out places that you can conceal yourself with that command a good field of view, and know the difference between "concealment" (hiding from view) and "cover" (hiding yourself from incoming fire.) If you feel the need, it's not a bad idea to build yourself some true "cover" - you can do this by changing doors and lining walls according to needs.
I've gone on long enough, I'm sure, but do feel free to PM or email me if you have any more questions that I can help with. I've spent quite a lot of time teaching people to deal with the sort of threats you're seeing, and I've not had any complain!
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