Jokes...

[90Blue_XJ]

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is. St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

 

[8Mud]

Two hunters chartered a plane to fly them to Canada, to hunt
moose, and they managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot
let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea
where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year.'

 

[tharlanjr]

Dude, thats funny, My pastor in Church during his sermon told that joke, lol

A wife comes down stairs one morning to find her husband sobbing uncontrollably. She asked him whats wrong and he says, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car when we were younger, shoved a gun in my face and said marry my daughter or spend the next 20 years in prison?" "Of course," the wife replied. Well I would have gotten out today.

 

[altierior]

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat.

Ed says " What should we do?"

Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."

So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing."

Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."

Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."

Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

 

[altierior]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

I'm a pile up

 

[8Mud]

THE MIRACLE OF
TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small.



Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..



'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.



Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long
will this take?' I asked.



'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.



I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger
over the years?'



With out missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'



He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw.

 

[kujito]

Three nuns die in a car crash. As they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter comes out to greet them. He checks his book, then turns to the first nun and asks if she has anything she wants to tell him. The nun blushes slightly and admits that she once gave a hand job to a man. St. Peter makes a note in his book and directs her to a fountain where she is to wash her hands. She does so and Peter leads her through the gate. Upon returning to the other two nuns, he finds them arguing heatedly by the fountain. "Now what is this all about?" he asks. One of the nuns looks up and says, "This bitch won't let me rinse my mouth before she washes her ass!"

 

[.40CalPatriot]

One day a little boy and his grandfather decide to take the grandfathers boat out and spend a day out on the lake fishing. After a little while out on the water the granfather pulls out a cigar and lights it. The little boy then asks the grandfather if he can try the cigar. The grandfather replies well son can your peni$ touch your a$$hole? The boy of course says no. So the grandfather says well then you cant try my cigar. They go on fishing. An hour later the granfather pulls out a beer cracks it open and takes a niced sized swig. As soon as he does the boy once again asks Hey grandpa can I try a sip of your beer? Once again the granfather asks "well son can your peni$ touch your a$$hole?" and once again the boys says well no granpa. So of course he couldnt try any of his beer. Finally miday hits and they both pull out their lunch boxes. After a few minutes the grandfather sees that the little boy has fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies with his lunch. The granfather asks, Hey can I have one of you cookies? The little boy responds with Well grandpa your peni$ touch your a$$hole? The grandfather pipes up and say well yes it can sonny. Little boy: Well then you can go F**k yourself grandpa these are my cookies!

 

[.40CalPatriot]

Three nuns die in a car crash. As they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter comes out to greet them. He checks his book, then turns to the first nun and asks if she has anything she wants to tell him. The nun blushes slightly and admits that she once gave a hand job to a man. St. Peter makes a note in his book and directs her to a fountain where she is to wash her. She does so and Peter leads her through the gate. Upon returning to the other two nuns, he finds them arguing heatedly by the fountain. "Now what is this all about?" he asks. One of the nuns looks up and says, "This bitch won't let me rinse my mouth before she washes her ass!"

hands for the first nun?

 

[kujito]

DOH! fixed it

 

[Rod Knee]

Rodney Dangerfield: I tell ya, the sex with my wife last night was lousy. Neither one of us could think of anyone.

 

[lonecountryboy]

Why is it impossible to solve a redneck murder?

Two reasons:

1. The DNA is all the same.

2. There are no dental records

 

[lonecountryboy]

Why did god invent yeast infections?

Simple he wanted every woman to know what it was like to live with an irritating C*nt.

 

[.40CalPatriot]

Why did god invent yeast infections?

Simple he wanted every woman to know what it was like to live with an irritating C*nt.

:scared:

 

[8Mud]

A funny link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-DNqD0Ce24

 

[.40CalPatriot]

A funny link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-DNqD0Ce24

:laugh2:

 

[bigalpha]

That's awesome.

 

[Coastie]

Ahahaha :laugh:

 

[Sherman_thetank]

One day a little boy and his grandfather decide to take the grandfathers boat out and spend a day out on the lake fishing. After a little while out on the water the granfather pulls out a cigar and lights it. The little boy then asks the grandfather if he can try the cigar. The grandfather replies well son can your peni$ touch your a$$hole? The boy of course says no. So the grandfather says well then you cant try my cigar. They go on fishing. An hour later the granfather pulls out a beer cracks it open and takes a niced sized swig. As soon as he does the boy once again asks Hey grandpa can I try a sip of your beer? Once again the granfather asks "well son can your peni$ touch your a$$hole?" and once again the boys says well no granpa. So of course he couldnt try any of his beer. Finally miday hits and they both pull out their lunch boxes. After a few minutes the grandfather sees that the little boy has fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies with his lunch. The granfather asks, Hey can I have one of you cookies? The little boy responds with Well grandpa your peni$ touch your a$$hole? The grandfather pipes up and say well yes it can sonny. Little boy: Well then you can go F**k yourself grandpa these are my cookies!

MY FAVORITE!

 

[xjclassic2000]

A funny link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-DNqD0Ce24

hahahaha.... he's sagging as much as my Jeep! lol