Jokes...

A wife comes down stairs one morning to find her husband sobbing uncontrollably. She asked him whats wrong and he says, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car when we were younger, shoved a gun in my face and said marry my daughter or spend the next 20 years in prison?" "Of course," the wife replied. Well I would have gotten out today.
 
So this duck walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender says "holy shit, you're a talking duck!!!"

The duck says "yeah, what's the big deal? I work construction across the street. I had a long, rough day and wanted to come in here to get a beer after work"

The bartender says "Construction huh? I would have figured a guy with your talents would be, oh I dunno, in the Circus...?"

The duck says:

"What the f*ck would a Circus want with a bricklayer?"
 
kdailey4315 said:
A wife comes down stairs one morning to find her husband sobbing uncontrollably. She asked him whats wrong and he says, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car when we were younger, shoved a gun in my face and said marry my daughter or spend the next 20 years in prison?" "Of course," the wife replied. Well I would have gotten out today.
Click to expand...

im gonna have to use this one and give u some props
 
A woman holding her baby walks onto bus. The bus driver remarks that the baby is the ugliest he has ever seen. The woman goes to the back of the bus and informs another passenger that the driver just insulted her. The other passenger indicates that she should go back and tell the driver off and that he would stay in back and watch her monkey for her.
 
The Miller Light Manlaws indicate that if you team has a losing season, you can claim it was a rebuilding year, even if no rebuilding was done.


Does that mean the Chicago Cubs have had a rebuilding century?
 
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
 
three guys go skiing.

They get to the mountain too late and the employee at the desk recommends a motel within walking distance.

They get to the motel and the clerk says I got one room but you guys wont want it. They ask why? HE replies its only one bed. One man turns and says no problem were not gay

So in the middle of the night one man wakes up in a cold sweat. and He says I just had the strangest dream I was getting a hand job. The man on the opposite said weird I had the same dream the man in the middle says weird I had a dream i was skiing.
 
A black guy, a japanese guy and an arab walk into a bar.... so the bartender says GET THE FAWK OUT OF HERE
 
Hydrolock said:
three guys go skiing.

They get to the mountain too late and the employee at the desk recommends a motel within walking distance.

They get to the motel and the clerk says I got one room but you guys wont want it. They ask why? HE replies its only one bed. One man turns and says no problem were not gay

So in the middle of the night one man wakes up in a cold sweat. and He says I just had the strangest dream I was getting a hand job. The man on the opposite said weird I had the same dream the man in the middle says weird I had a dream i was skiing.
Click to expand...
:roflmao:
 
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
 
3 blonds walk into a bar, youd think one of them would have noticed
 
A guy walks into a bar and is told that there is a dress code and that he would have to go out and find a tie to wear. He goes out to his car and can only find a set of jumper cables so he wraps them around his neck, goes back into the bar, and asks the bouncer: "how's this?" The bouncer says: "Well, OK, but just don't try to start anything".
 
A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartenders says we don't serve beer to bears here. The bear once again asks for a beer this time pounding on the counter. The bartender once again says we don't serve beer to bears at this bar. The bear then says to the bartender you either give me a beer or I am going to go bite the head off that lady at the bar three stools down. The bartender once again says we don't serve beer to bears at this bar. So the bear gets up and goes to the lady and bites her head off. He then comes back to his seat and says to the bartender give me a beer. The bartender then says we don't serve beer to drug users. The bear confused says what do you mean "drug user" and the bartender says what about that barbiturate
 
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