HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

[mcantar18c]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

[Skully]

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

 

[xj-grin]

hey, look! Its Skully! How's the fam, Matt?

 

[Skully]

hey, look! Its Skully! How's the fam, Matt?

We are healthy and alive, other than that got caught in that hole of economic instability and suckyness. Now all our stress and attention is on that, living week to week, having to put our hobbies to the side.

Plus it is our three year Division approval coming around the corner at work, so working a lot of extra time to make sure the files are all in order. (sucks I am salary, would make killer overtime.)

I am always around just not much time to banter.

Hoping all the good karma I produce each day I work will come back to me somehow............:speepin:

 

[xj-grin]

:thumbup: keep on keepin on, man. sometimes its all we can do. I LOL'd BTW at the joke...

 

[.40CalPatriot]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'FU*K the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up, 'Harry Truman, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'
Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008

 

[time2getdirty]

:thumbup:

 

[Seiler]

3 of the betters ones I've ready lately-

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied,
"Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"



The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.



So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"



The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.



"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.



The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."



The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy

 

[Hypoid]

The Haircut


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.​

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.​

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.​

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.​

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.​

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.​

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.​

​

 

[Skully]

Punys for the day;

I heard Boomerrangs are making ...............a comeback.


Been reading this new book; "Anti Gravity" it is so good it is hard to put down.