HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

[Skully]

A young boy is outside is house sitting around, drinking a nice
cold beer.

A priest walks by and sees this young boy drinking a beer.

He walks up to the young boy and says;

"Young man, how old are you?"

"Nine, whats its to ya?" says the boy.

"Thats a little young to be drinking there son, does your
parents know what you are doing?"

"Who do you think gave me the beer? This is nothing, I lost my
virginaty when I was 5 years old." replies the boy.

"Who did you sleep with at that age?" snaps the priest.

The boy replies;

"I don't know, I don't remember a thing about the party, I was drunk."

 

[Hypoid]

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina . The South Carolina Wage &
Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

 

[Skully]

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins
to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks
it up, and a pissed-off female genie emerges. She says, "normally I
grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-bitch, I am going to grant
only 1."

He thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in
my bed."

She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next
morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton.

So now he has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

 

[hillbillypajeeps]

just found this post there are some great ones and hopefully these will be too.



while in the marines i was stationed in the phillipines.
one night i decided to pick up a local woman of questionable character...
while the midst of getting it on, she starts screaming "Kosonama ,Kosonoma,Kosonoma" i thought wow im doing great.
we finished up and she was on her way.

the next day im playing a round of golf with the local officers,,and i smacked the ball for a 225 yard hole in one.

so i start yelling "kosonoma,kosonoma"

and the officer closest to me looks at me and says



" what do you mean wrong hole"




:viking:

 

[Skully]

Been ignoring this thread........shame on sKuLLy! Hasta :greensmok




Headlines;Respecting the late Gary Coleman

"The Coleman family made special arrangements for Gary's funeral today.

The family went all out and got a special and unique casket for him, even got his name engraved on the side in a special manner. "

Horrible I know.............................. :shocked:

 

[Skully]

...........I just hope for the late Gary Coleman Surf doesn't drive anywhere close to his burial site. Poor cooler...................... :shhh:



Hey I am on a roll today! :looney:

 

[Kiefer316]

HAHA! Good one. My mom asked about the cooler picture and i read the joke to her. She laughed so hard

 

[Skully]

A great excuse to use when you get stopped by the police for speeding. (although your age really plays in to this.)






A local police officer stopped an 83 year old lady for going 65mph in a 35mph zone.

When the officer asked why she was going SO fast.





The little old lady responded;

"I was trying to get there as fast as I could..............before I forgot where I was going."

 

[jimgrms]

A great excuse to use when you get stopped by the police for speeding. (although your age really plays in to this.)






A local police officer stopped an 83 year old lady for going 65mph in a 35mph zone.

When the officer asked why she was going SO fast.





The little old lady responded;

"I was trying to get there as fast as I could..............before I forgot where I was going."

X2

 

[.40CalPatriot]

:wierd: Must be an old guy thing.........

 

[Apostle]

Came accross this, thought i would share


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
> between a little
> 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will
> make you believe
> that we all can make a difference when we give a child the
> gift of our time.
>
> A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One
> day, a
> construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
> The young
> family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
> in the goings-on and
> spent much of each day observing the workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them
> 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or
> less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
> with her during
> coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here
> and there to
> make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week, they even presented her with
> a pay envelope
> containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to
> her mother who
> suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay'
> she'd received to the bank
> the next day to start a savings account.
>
> When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was
> equally impressed
> and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
> pay check at such
> a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked
> last week with a
> real construction crew building the new house next door to
> us.'
>
> 'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller,
> 'and will you be working on the
> house again this week, too?'
>
> The little girl replied, 'I will if those a$$holes at
> Lowe's ever deliver
> the frikin' sheet rock.'

 

[Blue96XJ]

Not humpday, but thought this would be appreciated:


George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she's finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he's finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime. Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became President of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[mcantar18c]

Not Humpday today either, but this was funny...


5 Rules A Man Should Follow to Live Happily

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman,who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

[loren mcclellan]

a horseback cop is about to cross the street when a little girl on a new bicycle pulls up next to him. the cop ask"nice bike, did santa give you that for christmas"? "yes".the cop hands her a ticket for a safety violation and says "give this to your dad and tell him to tell santa that a reflector goes on the back of the bike". the little girl fumes for a second and then asks the officer "nice horse, did santa give you that for christmas"? the cop humoring the little girl said "yes he did" then the lttle girl said "WELL TELL SANTA THE DICK GOES UNDERNEATH THE HORSE AND NOT ON TOP"

 

[.40CalPatriot]

It was a tough year but I made it !!!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their childrens' names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[jimgrms]

I did not know what true happiness was till i got married, By then it was too late :<{)))

 

[Hypoid]

I did not know what true happiness was till i got married, By then it was too late :<{)))

Awww c'mon Jim, I know you miss your wife.











With a little more practice, your aim should improve.

 

[.40CalPatriot]

These are classified ads, which were actually
placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!


FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.


FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German
Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.


And the
WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45
volumes.. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.

 

[mcantar18c]

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him and said "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." The second barber turned to Bush and asked "How about you sir?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

[Poofengle]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.