HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

[Hypoid]

How marriage really works...



---A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know....they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres, chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty words and all that....'

'You want dirty words, D******d? Drink your f*****g beer in your G*****n frozen mug and eat your m**********g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*****g going anywhere! Got it, A*****e?'

..........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

You'll have to email me for the un-edited version. LOL

 

[Skully]

Where did you learn to count?:twak:

:twak: ...........back, it is still 10 lines.

I didn't write it I cut and pasted it from my huge, saved over the years joke files.....................................:moon:

 

[Hypoid]

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ' Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex ' .

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening!”

“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.

“Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.”

 

[Skully]

(Slacking on this thread as of late. )




Why Jeeps are better than women.


1. Your Jeep will never break apart from you for no reason.

2. You can drive your Jeep any time of the month.

3. Jeeps don't have parents.

4. You can share your Jeep with your friends.

5. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you've ridden.

6. When driving, you and your Jeep can arrive at the same time.

7. Jeeps don't care how many other Jeeps you have.

8. Jeeps don't care if you look at other Jeeps.

9. Jeeps don't care if you buy Jeep magazines.

10. You'll never hear; "Surprise, you are going to have a new Jeep." unless you buy one yourself.

11. If your Jeep has a flat you can fix it.

12. If your Jeep is too loose you can tighten it.

13. If you Jeep is misaligned, you don't have to talk politics with it.

14. You can have a black Jeep and bring it home to your parents.

15. You don't have to be jealous of the guy working on your Jeep.

16. If you say bad things to your Jeep, you don't have to apologise before you can drive it again.

17. You can drive your Jeep as long and as hard as you want, and it won't get sore.

18. You can stop driving your Jeep as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

19. Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Jeep after you dump it.

20. Jeeps don't whine unless there is something really wrong.

21. Jeeps don't get headaches.

22. Jeeps don't insult you if you are a bad driver.

23. Your Jeep never wants a night out with other Jeeps.

24. Jeeps don't care if your late.

25. You don't have to take a shower before you can ride your Jeep.

26. If your Jeep doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

27. You can ride your Jeep the first time you meet without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meets its mother.

28. The only protection you have to wear when riding your Jeep is a good seatbelt.

29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great drive you had the last time you where in your Jeep.

30. Your Jeep is never embarrassed to go topless in public.

31. You only have to feed your Jeep when you use it.

32. A rocky relationship with your Jeep is actually fun.

33. Jeeps don't care how much money you spend on them.

34. You don't have to remember your Jeeps birthday, when you first met, or aniversaries.

35. You never have to worry about your Jeep spending your money without knowing about it.

36. Jeeps don't leak for ten minutes after you drive them hard.

 

[89wheelin]

thats got everything in it. just cant let the wife see it!!!!:kissyou:

 

[YELLAHEEP]

Sorry, but #36......... not true in most cases.

 

[Fred]

Sorry, but #36......... not true in most cases.

x2

 

[mcantar18c]

Why Jeeps are better than women.

1. Your Jeep will never break apart from you for no reason.

Jeeps can get stolen just the same as girls can.

4. You can share your Jeep with your friends.

I'm just as opposed to letting most of my friends drive the Jeep as I am to letting them drive the girl.

15. You don't have to be jealous of the guy working on your Jeep.

But you are anyway, and you know it.

20. Jeeps don't whine unless there is something really wrong.

You've never driven mine.
The Jeep, I mean... not the girl

27. You can ride your Jeep the first time you meet without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meets its mother.

Hehehe...

34. You don't have to remember your Jeeps birthday, when you first met, or aniversaries.

But you have to remember when to grease the zerks, retorque the bolts, change the oil, etc.

36. Jeeps don't leak for ten minutes after you drive them hard.

As Yella said, that's not always true.



:moon:

 

[ColoradoRaptor]

Good laughs!!

 

[Skully]

(In case anyone needs a copy of this.)

HILLBILLY DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: __________________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth


Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: ______________________

3rd Spouse's Name: ______________________

Lover's Name: ___________________________

2nd Lover's Name: _______________________

Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: ______________________

Father's Name: ______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_]own or [_]rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

 

[Skully]

Subject: Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6 or 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son....Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that
in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO
for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March........"

 

[Skully]

At an ecumenical round-table discussion various religious leaders
tried to answer "When does life start?"

"At conception" said the Catholic priest.

"No,no"said the Presbyterian minister, "It begins at birth."

"It's in between," said the Baptist, "Life begins at 12 weeks
when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat"

I disagree with all of you," said the Rabbi, "Life begins when
your last child leaves home and takes his dog with him."

 

[Hypoid]

The Fishing Trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming
fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go
this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing
and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the
campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and
a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my
chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing.
Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'!"

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful
see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"

 

[Hypoid]

I hate my job!

My job is so freaking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the freaking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big freaking dog to work. Every freaking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single freaking day.

Anyway, I drive these tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and crap.

 

[Hypoid]

A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip... "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."





I almost changed that Lexus into an Audi, almost...

 

[jimgrms]

So i decided to seek out a job
found one as a greeter at wally world , and on my first day at work as i was at my door greeting folks a mean spirited laly with two kicking and screaming kids in tow came in ' i said Good morninr mam lovely set of twins you have :
They ain't twins one is 7 and one is 9 what the hell makes you think they are twins
are you blind or stupid she snarled

No mam i am neither it just your so ugly i couldn't imagine any one having sex with you more than once .
My supervisor said i was not cut out for this line of work

 

[Skully]

One day God, mosses, and an old man were playing golf. They
were at the 3rd hole. Moses steps up and hits the ball. The
ball goes into the water. Moses spread the water and
hit the ball into the hole. "Hole in 2" he yells, "Beat that, Jesus."

Jesus stepped up and hit the ball onto a lilly pad.
He walked out onto the water and hit the ball
into the hole. "Not bad if I say so myself" says Jesus. "Beat
that, old man."

The old man steps up and hits the ball, Just as the ball
is about to hit the water, a turtle pops up and the ball bounces
off of his back, flying onto the green where a jack rabbit runs
by and knocks the ball into the hole. "A hole in one" says the old
man. "I won."

Moses turned to Jesus and said "I hate it when your dad plays."

 

[Skully]

Really bad replies & comments
===================================

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss Universe contest



Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The
researchers also discovered other similarities between the
two, but can't remember what they are.
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22



I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.



Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign



I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball



Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in
the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC



The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of
the Holocaust



The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia


After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

 

[Jawa]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"



The fairy said:

"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

And she disappeared!

 

[jimgrms]

A pleasure cruise went all wrong and the ship sunk
There were only 3 survivors Troy Frank and Sue stranded on a desert island ' and after awhile they started engaging in casual sex after a year Sue started thinking how immoral all this sex was and killed herselfthis devestated Troy and Frank but they soon got over it and started enguaging in casual sex again. after a few years Troy and Frank discussed there immoral relationship m and started feelind bad about it
so they burried Sue