HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

Note to dog:


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.



Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:




TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less.
(2) don't ask for money all the time.
(3) are easier to train.
(4) normally come when called.
(5) never ask to drive the car.
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people.
(7) don't smoke or drink.
(8) don't want to wear your clothes.
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions.
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
 
9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?!

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?
 
Meh........ some of that ain't exactly accurate........

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.

What, I'm not allowed to change the channel AFTER I've found the remote and I'm all comfy on the couch?

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?!

Decompose. Especially if you've been pumped full of Formaldehyde........

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

Hey, that dumbass might have missed the bus too and is waiting for the next one.........


:D
 
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the
meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and
shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was
more between the two than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and
said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he
took it do you?"

The priest said, "well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be
sure." So he sat down and wrote: "dear Father, I'm not saying that
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you
'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read: " dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do 'sleep
with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were
sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by
now."
 
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . . . .




































So I just switched the heads.'





(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!)
 


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins
to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away
from the horse and throws herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....




Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma,
and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello. [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
Skully said:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs
into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins
to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away
from the horse and throws herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....




Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma,
and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Click to expand...

:dunno: I think that joke is older than I am.
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending a company Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jill"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it. Then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!
 
Looks like Skully is slacking...


Remember reading all the jokes about 'Little Johnny'? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say... Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture!


The theme of this picture was, 'Make a funny face'!


LittleJohnny.jpg


I knew you'd be able to find him
 
Last edited:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or remember the old rerun skits,




Please read on..



If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:



*COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software for Windows?


COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommend something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!


ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?


ABBOTT: One copy.


COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?


ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
 
Last edited:
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few
seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long
will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
 
THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

DONT SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE
SWEATY THINGS.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE
KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN
"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD
ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE
AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH
HIS WAGES?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

THE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS IS THAT THEY DON'T TALK
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST
DROWN ALSO?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
 
A wealthy old gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in a mess now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says… “Where’s that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”


Moral of this story… Don’t mess with the old dogs… age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more ‘youthfully challenged.’

You did notice the size of the print?
 
There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this
house. On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man
says to the boy, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"

The boy says, " To catch chickens!"

The man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on
the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his
secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by
the same man but now with duct tape.

"Where you going with duct tape, boy?"

"To catch ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

"Watch!" says the boy. A few hours later, he returns with ducks
lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really
wanted the secret. The next day after, the boy walks by again.

The old man says, " Where you going with that stick?"

The boy says, " This ain't no stick, this here is a pussy willow."

The old man says, "Wait here so I can grab my hat and I'll be right
with ya!"
 
Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" -Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
 
Skully said:
Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" -Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton
Click to expand...

Where did you learn to count?:twak:
 
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