HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL!!!CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!
CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!!
ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"

The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry
an egg?"


The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me."
 
Wife 1.0



Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and also
valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Car Racing 3.6

Now I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run any of my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but for some reason,
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please PLEASE help!

Thanks,
Troubled User..
_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many men upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and
Entertainment program.

However, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator
to run absolutely EVERYTHING !!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
system once fully installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Please look in your Wife 1.0 tech manual under

"Warnings-Alimony-Child Support." I further recommend that you keep
Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to all operations to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a fairly good program, but it really tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean
and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend you try Chocolate 6.2, Flowers 2.1 and (as a very
last resort) Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES INSTALL Short Skirt Secretary 3.3.and/or Big Cleavage Assistant. 4.0 as these applications are not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 
Last edited:
I've seen some good variations of that one. I liked one that talked about the consequences of attempting to run instances of Girlfriend 7.0 simultaneously with Wife 1.0... :D
 
This guy is traveling across the country on the scenic back roads going from the East coast to the West Coast. On the second day of his long journey he finds himself driving on a stretch of road where there is not a lot of towns and driving for what seems like half the day looking for a place to stop, fuel, eat, and get some sleep.

He finally comes across a small town that has one gas station, one motel, and one Cafe. Starving he walks into the Cafe first only to find it packed full of people.

He finds an opening at the bar and takes a seat. What appears to be the only waitress at the bar and she is frantically running back and forth not noticing he sat down at the table.

He looks to the left and an older gentlemen sitting staring at the wall, with a full bowl of soup just sitting in front of him looking untouched.

He finally gets the waitress's attention; "Can I get a bowl of soup, a club sandwich and a cup of coffee."

The waitress replies; "Sure honey, but it might take 15 minutes we are super busy!"

Not really in a position to complain or argue he says; "That's fine!"

Five minutes passes but feels like forever and notices that the older man still has not touched his bowl of soup.

He leans over to him and says; "Sir, are you going to eat that?"

The older gentlemen replies; "Nope."

He then asks the older gentlemen; "This might sound inappropriate but I have not eaten all day and I am starving. Can I have the bowl of soup, I'll pay you for it?"

The older gentlemen replies; "Sure"

As soon as the older gentlemen says that he grabs the bowl of soup pulling it in front of him and starts spooning it down. Gets close to the bottom of the bowl and spots half an old comb lying in the bottom of the bowl. Instantly vomiting back up the soup into the bowl perfectly!

The older Gentlemen looks over at him and says; "Yap, that is about as far as I got too."
 
Ugh! I just felt my lunch gurgle in my stomach.
 
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,[FONT=&quot]
and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
[/FONT]
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone[FONT=&quot]
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. [/FONT]

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take[FONT=&quot]
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
[/FONT]
Take the antidote.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Repeat until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. [FONT=&quot]
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.[/FONT]
 
THE WISDOM OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."
 
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
 
THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .


 Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?


 Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.


 Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
the night of April 1st?


 Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.


 Defense Attorney: Did you know him?


 Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.


 Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

 Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.


 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?


 Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.



 Defense Attorney: Why not?


 Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
died some 30 years ago.


 Defense Attorney: What happened next?


 Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.


 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?



 Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.


 Defense Attorney: Why not?


 Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
 I haven't felt that good in years!


 Defense Attorney: What happened next?


 Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"


 Defense Attorney: Did he take you?


 Little Old Lady: No! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I
shot him, the little bastard!
 
A guy comes home from work and as soon as he closes the door he hears
his bed squeaking.

He walks up the stairs and into the bedroom and finds his wife on top
screwing his best friend.

In a fit of rage, the guy goes and gets his gun and shoots his wife in
the back of her head. Feeling sudden remorse, he calls the police and
tells him what he did.

When the police arrive and he explains what happened, the officer asks
if he shot his best friend as well.

"No" he replies.

Did you say anything to him? the officer asked.

"Yes" he replies.

Well, what did you say to him?, the officer asked.

"Bad Dog!"
 
That reminded me of this one...


Two dogs, a poodle and a labrador, are sitting with their owners in the lobby of the veterinarian's office. The poodle looks over at the lab and asks, "What are you here for?"

"Well," replies the lab, "This morning my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready when she dropped an earring. She got down on hands and knees looking for it and I just couldn't help myself, I mounted her and went to town."

"Oh my!" says the shocked poodle, "So you're here to be put down, aren't you?!?!"

"No," says the lab, "I'm here to get my claws trimmed."

:D
 
WOW those are hilarious... Just think if she was looking for the earing and the husband walked in right as the dog hopped up on her... NOW that would be funny.
 
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