HUMPDAY Joke of the Week!

[Skully]

Every Wednesday a new joke, but feel free to post what ever any other time of the week!



His & Her Diaries;


HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar
to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.


Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.



On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you
too."


When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and
absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to
bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep-

I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.










HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid

 

[98POSXJ]

Friends ships Men and Women!


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

 

[YELLAHEEP]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."



They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[Skully]

Dept. of Highways:

A cocky South Dakota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of South Dakota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

**********************************

Texas Police Encounters
GOOD...

In Richardson Texas a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the north end of the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the south end of the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!!)


BETTER...

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
The man paid his ticket.


BEST...

A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in the patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Don't you love those Texas girls!!

 

[YELLAHEEP]

Ok, that "Better" joke above got me rolling! :thumbup:

 

[XJNOOB93]

Loved all three... and Yella's up there was hilarious too =]

 

[Kiefer316]

LMFAO those are awesome...

 

[kujito]

 

[Hypoid]

This was in my mailbox today:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from NorthwesternUniversity.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

















Probably wasn't the same elephant.





This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bullshi! stories

 

[Kiefer316]

just saw this on the off topic forum and thought i would post it here its a good one


A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around
the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's
liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for
the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet
where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he
takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

 

[Skully]

A woman goes into a store to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get,
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate
standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. She didn't
believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite
rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and
reel, and it's $20.00." She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and
farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could
tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say
it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Thank you for shopping, Have A Great Day!

 

[Jawa]

Just got this one today...

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?" The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it."

The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!" The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

 

[Hypoid]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM:


SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

 

[XJNOOB93]

 

[5-90]

Little Jimmy and Little Johnny were spending the summer at their grandparent's farm.

They were told in the beginning that if they were good, helped out around the farm, and did all their chores, they'd be taken halfway through the summer to the big department store, where they could each pick out a gift.

The first half of summer went along, and both boys were well motivated. So, they went to the store and got to pick out their gifts. Little Jimmy selected a bicycle, and Little Johnny picked and all-band radio. Both went back to the farm happy.

Little Jimmy was riding his bicycle around one afternoon after all of his work was done, and saw a truck run into a tractor on the road. Excited, he rode back to the farm as quickly as he could to tell his brother.

"Johnny! Johnny! You're not going to believe it! I just saw a truck run into a tractor! Both of them are wrecked!"
"I know. I heard it on the radio half an hour ago."

A few days later, Little Jimmy is out riding around again, and he makes it to town. He sees a cabbie on the radio with a police dispatcher, being coached through delivering a baby. Again, he's all excited and rides back to share the news.

"Johnny! Johnny! I just saw a woman having a baby!"
"I know. I heard the cabbie talking to the police on the radio."

Little Jimmy is incensed. He decides he's going to find something that Johnny won't hear about on the radio - he goes over to the next farm and mounts a pig. He rides back:

"Hey Johnny - guess what? I just lost my virginity!"
"In a pig's arse."
...

"That farkin' radio!"

 

[Skully]

(Long read but funny when you get to the end and makes sense if you are not so grand in chemistry.)

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (gives off heat) OR ENDOTHERMIC (absorbs heat)?

[FONT=&quot]Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and
heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[Jawa]

I was just reading about how Denny's is going to begin offering a new breakfast that was inspired by the "Octomom" that recently gave birth to octuplets.

It consists of 14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you picks up the bill.

 

[Skully]

Three guys sitting at a bar drinking some cold ones talking about the good old days.

First guys says; "Hey just out of curiosity how far back do you remember in your childhood? For me I don't remember much before I was 2. I do remember right before I turned 3 on Christmas morning I got my first tricycle, man I loved that thing!"

Second guys says; "That's cool but that is nothing! People don't believe me but I remember when I was born. Cold, bright light in my face, and Doctor manhandling me, my mom and daddy crying and talking about how cute I was."




Third guy says; "...................Well.................. I remember go to the prom with my Dad, and coming home with my mom."




:doh:

 

[_dallas_]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

 

[5-90]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign. "Cheese sandwiches - $2. Handjobs - $10."

He goes up to the woman behind the bar and says, "Excuse me, Miss, but are you the woman that gives the handjobs?"

She says, "Yes, I am."

He says, "Good - wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!"