Things you'd like to say out loud at work

[Root Moose]

Well, sometimes the inner voice does manifest verbally... 10, 13, 18, 24, 25 and 39 in particular.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English,! but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[5-90]

Phrases I've used...

"I speak seven languages - that doesn't seem to be one of them."

"I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you."

"How do you fit that much stupid into just one person?"

I had a boss who was four-foot eight. We were talking (I didn't have time to sit down,) and he has the nerve to tell me we're not seeing "eye to eye." I pulled over a chair and said "Jump your short ass up there, and we'll be a little closer..."

"You sound reasonable. Time to increase my medication."

"As much of a d*ck as you are, you must take Viagra every morning when you get up..."

"Ghod you suck." (I dig this one out as a standby - for when words really do fail me. In every lanugage.)

"Shut up - you're not being PAID to think. If you were paid to think, you'd be paid a lot less..."

I can do every job I've ever been given, but I do expect the person I'm working for to be at least somewhat competent. Somehow, I seem to attract incompetent bosses - and if you're going to tell me I'm doing a job wrong, you'd better be able to show me how to do it right (that's all I ask.)

Is it any wonder I want to just work for myself anymore?

5-90

 

[woody]

The only thing I can think of is:

"Hmmm it's been 30 years already? Dammit! Time flies."

I actually enjoy my job and am not embarrased to admit it.

 

[Menzenski]

I actually enjoy my job and am not embarrased to admit it.

x2. If I didn't like being a barista, I wouldn't be one.

 

[5-90]

I've enjoyed most of the jobs I've had (except a couple I had just to keep the wheelbarrow full while I looked for something better - door-to-door sales come to mind...) but working for a schmuck really gets on my pecs.

I didn't say those things because I hated the work I was doing, but because I had issues with a co-worker or with a supervisor. Fortunately, I usually seem to work myself into indispensability (which is its own problem - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted...)

5-90

 

[RKBA]

"I see the problem. I am speaking in English and you are listening in dumbass."

 

[w_howey]

Umm, I've actually said several of those.

And I have shirts with 4 or 5 of them on it.

But, its good to be the manager of stupid people. Noone ever complains to the boss.

 

[5-90]

Managing stupid people has its plusses and minusses - you have a hard time controlling them, or getting them to take independent action.

I usually like people who are smart enough and skilled enough to work on their own, but who have enough restriaint to let me be the arsehole when necessary - I don't get fired.

5-90

 

[afd516]

Why are you calling me at three in the morning?

 

[IslanderXJ]

"Yes I know what your saying, but what your saying doesn't mean anything..."

"Stop talking, what your about to say is stupid enough to make us both look dumb."

"Could you have done any less? No, wait... probably not, and if you could have done less, don't tell me. Because if you did I would have to shoot you and put you out of my misery."

"I only work with three people, one of them is an idiot, one of them is an asshole, and one of them is ugly and has a multiple personality disorder..."

 

[CanMan]

"Hey motherfawker, you will be respected if you show some back."

"WTF are you doing! Listen to me the first time, and do it the way I tell you Jack@ss!"

 

[8Mud]

The instructions for my employees on how to write a Memo or E-mail. I only really want Nouns, Verbs, dates and times. You can only use one word (in any correspondance) that ends in "ion" like completion and one that ends in "ed" like completed (may be completed is an oxymoron). Adjectives are to be avoided, adverbs are forbidden.
Aything that even smells like an excuse will be deleted or filed in the round filing cabinet.
I spend half my day answering fantasy E-mails from management. I really don't have time for yours.

 

[Ludakris]

"Are you F'n kidding me?"
"Are you F'n serious?"

those are daily, if not hourly..

best one I heard was
"Do you practice being a dick, or does it come naturally?"

 

[Root Moose]

"I see the problem. I am speaking in English and you are listening in dumbass."

LOL