More Jokes

[Bent]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,
but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a
pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."



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When I got back from Montana last week I had a bunch of Canadian dollars
I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the
local bank. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo
yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"


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Clocks in Heaven:
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating That she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands Have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[Oneofsix]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,


"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[clean96XJ]

Famous Quotes..

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat myself
............Mark Twain


2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the handle.
..........Winston Churchill


3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul canalways depend on
the support of Paul.
...........George Bernard Shaw


4) A Congressman is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
............G Gordon Liddy


5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
..........James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
....Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton


7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys
.............P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
.........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)


9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And
if it stops moving, subsidize it.
......Ronald Reagan (1986)


10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
............Will Rogers


11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what
it costs when it's free.
.......P.J. O'Rourke


12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
.........Voltaire (1764)




13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you.
..........Pericles (430 B.C.)


14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature
is in session.
.........Mark Twain (1866)


15) Talk is cheap .. except when Congress does it.
........Unknown


16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
...........Ronald Reagan


17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery.
.......Winston Churchill


18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
........Mark Twain


19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
.........Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)


20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress.
.
........Mark Twain

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
..........Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything you have.
..........Thomas Jefferson

 

[KRAKER]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"!!!1

 

[casm]

Little Johnny wakes up late on the farm one morning and heads downstairs to the kitchen where his mother has breakfast well underway. "Johnny," she asks him, "have you done your chores yet?" "No, Mom, I'll do them after breakfast," comes the reply.

Not happy with his answer, she sends him outside with a clip on the ear. Annoyed, Johnny kicks a pig on the way over to his first task. Having completed that, he kicks a chicken on the way to the second. En route to the third, he kicks the cow. Unbeknownst to him, his Mom has been watching him through the kitchen window the whole time. He returns inside, sits down at the table, and finds a bowl of dry cereal and a glass of water waiting for him. Peeved, he points to it, and asks his mother why such a pitiful breakfast has been placed in front of him.

"Well, Johnny, here's why: you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you for a week. Then I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs for you for a week. After that, you kicked the cow, so no milk for you for a week. Eat up."

At that moment, Johnny's dad enters the kitchen reading the newspaper; he doesn't see the cat laying on the floor and accidentally kicks it. Johnny turns to his mother with a grin on his face and asks, "do you want to tell him or will I?"

 

[o2bgpn]

An out of work actor was sitting on his couch when he received a phone call from his agent. His agent says he has a job for him, but it is only one line in a play. The actor say that's ok because he needs the cash. The agent says the play starts in two hours and is two hours away, so if he wants the job he must hurry.
The actor says "I'm on it, what's the line?"
The agent explains there will be a cannon blast after which he is to say "hark, hear the cannon's roar."
The actor gets the address and directions and heads out the door saying "Hark, hear the cannon's roar," "Hark, HEAR the cannon's roar," "HARK, hear the cannon's roar."
He catches the bus heading into town all the while practicing his line, "hark hear the CANNON'S roar," "HARK, HEAR the cannon's roar."
Two hours later he gets to the theater rushes into the dressing room where they tell him he just made it and needs to get into costume now because it's almost his time. As he dresses and has his makeup done he practices, "hark, hear the CANNON's ROAR", "HARK,... hear the cannon's roar."
Finally he's ready and they push him out on stage just in time.
Stage left there is a very loud boom, the actor looks out at the audience and says..." WHAT THE FAWK WAS THAT!!!"

 

[Oneofsix]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great.
I be work soon.....you got nice house.

 

[Otter]

if you push your naked clone off a tall building, is it:

a) murder
b) suicide
c) just an obscene clone fall

ha!

 

[JoesXJ]

:huh:

maybe i'm retarded but I dont get that.

 

[JoesXJ]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence.............................................then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[GSequoia]

:huh:

maybe i'm retarded but I dont get that.

Bad pun on "Obscene phone call."

Bad Otter, bad!

 

[Dustn525]

A man and his wife are going down a highway when their car dies. They call a tow-truck but it wouldn't be available for hours. Tired, they check into the nearest hotel. In the morning, they go down to the front desk to pay the tab. "$300 sir" the clerk says.

"$300? why so much?" the husband asks.

"Sir, you had access to a wet bar, spa, pool, weight room, sauna, massage service, movie theatre, unlimited conference calling and almost anything else a traveler could wish, for one flat fee."

"But I didn't use any of those" the man says, puts $50 on the desk, and says "I'd have let you screw my wife, but did you?"