Some parental insight please(trying to understand my father's antics)

[Safari Ary]

Ok guys, I'm really at a loss on this one. My dad's youngest brother is moving at the end of July and has one heckuva collection of tools(toys ). Since I figured he wouldn't be needing them for a while I asked if I could bring them down to Virginia Beach(from MD outside DC). He said sure and that I just had to take care of them and refill the tanks(Mig welder and oxy/act torch) when I brought them back. So anyway, I'm thinkin about all these tools and lookin at the back of the Jeep and thinking there ain't no way it's all gonna fit. So I ask my dad if I can borrow his GMC Yukon for 3 days to go to MD and come back with the tools, explaining that the Jeep was not big enough to hold them all. He says sure and drops it off on his way from his jobsite to the office(on the way....this was on Wednesday, midday). So long story short, I go to MD, get the tools, and come back, getting home around 6 last night. Well, he had given me two tickets to see an exhibit on Ferrari's at the local art museum(will post pics later ) so I took my brother and we went. I got home from that around 8:30 completely exhausted from my day's activities and went and passed out in my room(truck is still laden with tools). I wake up from my nap at 10:30 ready to go unload and find everyone in the house has gone to bed already. There's too much stuff(too heavy) for me to do it by myself, so I figured he must not be in a hurry and that it could wait till today. Well I had to work from 7-8 today(13 hours, not 1) and so couldn't have done it till tonight. Anyway, I get a call around noon essentially bitchign me out for leaving his truck full of tools. Now, this part I completely understand. I shouldn't have just left it like that and I agree that he has the right to be upset with me. I kinda had accepted that as a given when I gave up and didn't do it last night. The part that I really don't understand is that I got a call from my mom 45 mins later saying that my dad had proceeded to pretty much dump everything out of the truck and damaging several things, including ripping the top off of my Uncle's workbench. She also told me that he was on his way to my place of employement to kick me out of the house. When he got there he said I had to get everything out of the garage that was mine or associated with me and that I was more than welcome to go with it(i.e. get out). Now, some of you will say, "what's the background, what are the ongoing issues that you're not saying?" But honestly, there aren't any that come to my mind, my mother's mind, or my brother's mind. He seemed perfectly happy with me yesterday..... Anyone have any insight to offer me?? 'cause I'm really at a loss right now and don't know what to do.... THanks guys for letting me vent

Ary

 

[Rev Den]

REALLY should have unloaded HIS truck when you got back from getting the tools. You screwed up my friend...try grovelling to your dad, a nice fathers day gift...and if your over 18 and not paying it....RENT!!!


Sorry,
HTH

Rev

 

[XJguy]

Ary...my dad is the same exact way. I cant blame him I should be out of my parents home a long time ago..but Im not married, and my dad has always encouraged me to stay in his home until I felt I had to move out, why waste the money he says, so I have. But let me tell you, he is like a light switch he goes on or off with his temper at a drop of a dime, and its usually directed at me. He wont even let me drive his ZJ if I need to go a store a few blocks away, but my brother who has 4 cars and also should be out of the house by now can use it any time to do anything. The only thing I am afraid of is that I will probably be just as irrational in my ways as he is when I get older, my girlfriend says as each year goes by she sees me acting more and more like him

XJguy

 

[HossHoffer]

Dads

Hey, I'll bet that there is something else going on and you are just the straw that broke the camels back. Nothing you can say but sorry and love ya dad. Good luck.

 

[Rev Den]

Those of you who are younger will find that as you get older your dad gets smarter and makes more sense.

Rev

 

[Tucker]

Talk some more to your mom. You may not have noticed the slow burn your dad may have been going through. He wouldn't have talked to you about it but he may have talked to her. Find out what the issues really are then talk to dad about it.

I had issues with my daughter, little ones that got bigger over time ... especially when it was well past time for her to be independent. I felt like I couldn't really talk to her about it, she felt the same.

When the s**t did hit the fan, I am sure that it took her completely by surprise. But it wasn't that big a surprise to my wife.

*BIG DISCLAIMER*
Every situation is different, and an auto club forum is probably real low on the list of good places to get family counseling. Talk to a professional if talking to your folks doesn't work out.

 

[Safari Ary]

Well, I just talked to him, and apparently it's my Jeep habit that's set all of this off. I guess I'm just being a stubborn teenager or something.

Tucker, talking to my mom might make me feel better, but as far as insight, hah, my parents talk....that's a long shot. Also, I realize that this isn't the best place to get counseling, but it's convenient and I kinda feel at home on here. Plus it exposes me to a lot of different vantage point because of the wide variety of people here. I just needed to vent somewhere.....

Rev Den, my family wouldn't let me give them rent if I tried, it's just not how they are. It sounds like XJGuy has a similar family, at least in this regard. My dad is from Iran and the sense of family is overwhelming in that culture. Nothing comes before family. It definately has it's benefits, like the fact that they feel it's their obligation to buy me a car and pay for college(not gloating or bragging, just trying to explain), but on the flipside, it comes with it's expectations too. Like you always have an open door to your parents(i.e. they are free to live with you indefinately in their retired life, and you should be happy about it) and what they say is the golden rule and will always be obeyed regardless of your personal opinion on the matter. Anyway, I appreciate the comments guys. Thanks

Ary

 

[etxjeepsbaby]

Not sure what to say to ya other then maybe it wasnt you he was mad at you just happend to be there??? Give him some time to think about what he has done and who knows maybe your Mom will talk to him??? Hope it gets better for ya...Good Luck

 

[RichP]

Yup, ya screwed up. I'd be pissed too if I was going to go to work and my jeep was stuffed to the gills of either one of my kids stuff. I don't go off any more like in my younger days, much cooler temper now but thats just my temperment, others can go ballistic. Personally, I'd clean up the garage, cut the lawn, paint the house, simonize his truck and generally eat crow for a while, eventually it will blow over [you hope]. Good luck and keep a stiff upper lip

 

[yellowxj]

Hell I'm thirty something and share a family business with my dad. He still freaks out once in a while. Gets bent has to have something minor his way or the world will end. I've figured out that about every quarter he has to have some sort of episode or he doesnt feel right. It doesnt help that hes a 80's style capitalist and I dont care about the money so much as being happy and spending time with my wife and kids. It really freaks him out when I do stuff business related to help people out. Might have him talked in to sponsoring a little league team though.

Just roll with it. If you made a mistake try not to let it happen again. Dont say any thing close to something you might regret later. Try not to act defensive, that really sets them off.

Damaging other peoples stuff is not cool though. My dad does the same stuff. "You needed to learn a lesson!!" or "that stuff wasent supposed to be there any way" Yah lesson learned, you dont respect other peoples stuff and have anger management and communication problems. Occasionally. Its ok. We're all just animals with clothes on. Some times more animal slips out. Still love my dad.

 

[Georgia Mike]

Anyone ever watch "American Chopper"? That's EXACTLY the way it is when I work with my Dad. It's freaky for me to even watch that show :laugh: We've learned to respect each other's opinions,though. He's learned (from me standing up for myself on numerous occasions) that I'm not as uneducated as to how the world works as he thought,and I no longer think he's a raving lunatic anymore. As you have probably figured out by now,it's because we finally figured out that we just can't work together :laugh: I do respect my Dad,and in turn,I think he also respects me now. It's all just a growing process,or growing pain,however you wanna look at it Give it some time,things will be alright!

 

[w_howey]

My dad worked for me, after his retirement. It was just like Georgia Mike said. We screamed at each other, but there really wasn't things between us. It was just our way of relating. He was almost the saddest person in the shop, when I sold it. I took a job with insurance, vacation, and the other things large companies offer. All he said was, "Well, you have to take care of my grandkids" He quit a week later, told my wife he didn't need to take orders, and he wasn't helping his family anymore.

I hadn't spoken to my dad for almost 6 years before my kids were born. That was our way of dealing with our problems, just ignoring each other. Sometimes, two people that are alike just can't relate to each other.

 

[Boatwrench]

Well let's see.......(This is coming from a guy with four daughters 16, 18, 20 & 22).....but deal with plenty of young men and learned from dealing with my Dad. Yeah it's going to be a lecture so you can just skip it if your really not ready to deal with it. Most of us older guys had the exact same experieince with our fathers in one form or another.

His garage is full of YOUR Jeep stuff. (Done that). He bought you two tickets to a Ferrari exhibit and you took your brother. (Done that too) HIS truck had YOUR borrowed tools in it. (Yep, I've done that also)

Looks pretty clear to this 45 year old Dad. Your taking advantage of the situation. It's a respect thing and your not living up to his expectation.

It's too late to invite him to MD with you, or the Ferrari exhibit. Clean up the garage, anything that is not readily needed, de-clutter, get rid of. Even if it isn't a mess HE is percieving your treasures are clutter, and then you brought more home in HIS Truck.

Too tired to unload the truck, but not tired enough to miss the exhibit? Did you at least return the truck with a full Tank?

Always return borrowed items in a better condition than you recieved them, fill the tank minimum, wash the truck, make sure there are no burger wrappers on the floor, empty the ash tray, etc.l

Then there's always,...."Dad, I bit off more than I can chew and am too tired to make the exhibit, would you take brother instead, I would like a rain check though, maybe you could come with me to my next trail ride, I'd really like that....." without sounding like your sucking up.

The screw up was yours, learn from it. That's part of growing up.

 

[Ed A. Stevens]

Good timing on the thread topic, near Fathers Day, just remember that you will be in your fathers shoes one day (like anyone remembers when a rant and rage begins). This situation never ends. Both my father (late 60's) and grandfather (early 90's) have the habit (and it may be inherited).

A week or so ago one of my brothers (mid 40's) was in a fender bender, and needed a trailer ride to get the truck home, with a day in the garage to make repairs. This type of request is usually answered with a willing response from my father, he is fully retired and likes to wrench on near anything.

The problem (we think) was my father had just disassembled one of his tractors, after cleaning his garage and parking all the cars and trucks outside in the driveways, leaving sub-assemblies spread around on the floor and workbenches. The truck repair was a project delay, but not for any extended length of time (and my father has been fully retired for over a decade, no hurry, right).

The task of reorganizing the garage or the tractor parts in the garage, to make room to repair my brothers truck, was the trigger. My brother said he decided to just listen and let it go (better him than me, this time). I hear it was quite a blue-air drive with the truck on the trailer, and a day of similar lecture making the repairs.

My father is far from diplomatic in these situations, and my brothers and I have learned to cope by treating the rants like they are from a foreman (nothing personal). We have all worked with my father professionally, and choose to not work with him when we established ourselves, and realize he treats near everyone the same way when triggered. We have learned to ignore the personal jabs and keep coming back to talk (leaving no reason to force any issue to finality).

Maybe these are traits learned in the non-politically correct father era, or maybe they are the result of the current demand to be politically correct all the time, but I assure you the actions get attention (and seem to pass from one generation to the next, to my generation).

There is an old saying "if your kids cannot let you down, who can?"

My brothers and I twisted it into "if your father cannot make you mad, who can?"

 

[ChuckD]

Thanks Ary, even though you handled the situation as a man your age would have normally, trust me I have done simular things to my Father, and I had weather through the storms. This is a good thread, I myself am a new Father, 4yr daughter and 1yr son. I can definitely relate to how you feel, but I agree with the comments. Your Father has strong feelings about his family and what should be important in your life. I think all Father's get like this, it's natures way of pushing you out of the nest. Just try not to burn any bridges while taking that first leap.

 

[Safari Ary]

Just a little clarification on the Ferrari exhibit, he was given the tickets by his attorney who was inviting him to a dinner at said Ferrari exhibit. He had no interest, and since he is my attorney too, said I could go. Just thought I'd clear that up, and also, since I took my brother and not a date, he was very pleased with how that turned out.

Moving along to the garage. I guess I am kinda taking it over. I never saw anything wrong with that 'cause no one else ever uses it. My dad has no interests in woodworking, wrenching, gardening, or anything else garage related. The only thing he uses it for is to put his golf clubs in when he's home(he works in MD 3 days a week typically). My mom and dad disagree on just about everything, so of course she didn't have a problem with it, and well, my dad made no mention of it till Saturday, but apparently he's had enough. As for things being mine and his, he has ALWAYS emphasized that's what's mine is his and what's his is mine and that has always worked very well for us. I guess I took advantage without realizing, although I do still feel like this is my home too, not just his.

I dunno, we talked some, but the situation definately isn't resolved. I'm wondering if you can rent out storage bays and do work in them, or if that sort of thing is prohibited. I couldn't afford a bay in an industrial park, but I need some shop space if I can't have the garage. I've got too much lined up and only have the tools for a month. Oh well, I'll stop ranting.

Ary

P.S. I left the truck with a half tank in it, even though he told me I could bring it home empty(his company pays for gas).

 

[Eagle]

Rules are different for different storage unit companies. In general, they are for "storage" and not "work." Most I've seen don't have any light or power in the units -- maybe a 120-volt weatherproof outlet on the outside of the building every 50 or 100 feet and that's about it. They are also expensive. Back in the mid-80s I paid $65/month for a 10' x 10' bay. On an annualized basis, that's $780 per year, or $7.80 per square foot per year. At the time, I could have rented Class B office space with heat, a/c, light, and toilets for about the same price.

 

[Ed A. Stevens]

Find a few enthusiastic friends and rent a light commercial shop space. Five friends, $500 a month ($100 each), and spare change for a fridge full of sodas. Unless you plan to move into a house with a garage soon, this shared shop space may be your best solution over the next few years (apartment living is as bad as no garage with CC&R's).