Pockets
NAXJA Forum User
- Location
- ATLanta, ga
You have to read it all the way through....
http://denver.craigslist.org/spo/1857843060.html
If you are at all interested in purchasing:
A free standing chin-up bar
A purple chair that should/was owned by a pimp
A sweet treadmill
An Ab Lounge
An Everlast freestanding heavy bag frame and heavy bag.
A 36” glass tube TV.
If you are not but you also have a hatred for furry little bastards with opposable thumbs, then please read on.
This ad is no way embellished to generate sympathy to push a potential buyer to purchase these amazing bargains.
So one fine morning I wake up to go and hit the gym at 5:30. My fat ass finally joined a gym close to my house and I actually enjoy it…..hence one of the 2 reasons I am selling a lot of fitness equipment.
I hear a noise I had never heard before so I went to the basement and opened the door. I felt as if I was 8 years old again and nothing is scarier than a dark basement. I turn on the light and walk down half of the stairway, I turn the corner and low and behold I see a nice collection of shit. I am trying to be proper here and I was considering telling you it was “feces” but that doesn’t do this huge pile of shit justice.
Now we’re not talking rabbit droppings, hell rabbit shit is kinda cute…and we’re not talking elephant shit to where the sheer size of it is not gross but just pretty cool. We are talking the perfect size of crap to make you wonder if some homeless family of 6 is taking dumps on your fresh carpet and living in your basement at night.
Now I see this pile and I hear bizarre noises – well it almost made me a deposit of my own at the top of the stairs so I decided to call the cops.
I can’t exactly recall what I said but it was something to the effect of “There might be someone in my basement and they took a huge shit at the bottom of my steps.”
You have to give these 911 dispatchers credit that she didn’t laugh into the receiver. She actually asked me to describe the “feces”. Now I’m no shit expert. I do know that if you eat too many black jelly beans or drink too much grape Kool-Aid your next bowel movement will look like your ass is a salad shooter because what comes out is about as bright green as a four leaf clover. Everyone is trying to go green – drink a quart of grape Kool-Aid and some Indian food and you’ll see what I mean.
So the cops show up and “clear” my basement. We have now determined that there are no people living my basement but we do hear some scraping in the walls. They get there little retriever pole with the cable on the end but we never see what we hear. They decide to dispatch animal control who comes on at 8am.
It’s now 8:15 and I’m late for work so I decide to call the animal control people. Turns out it was my lucky day – the animal control guy called in sick. I was also informed that animal control messes around with cats and dogs – they don’t do wildlife. My tax dollars hard at work.
I run to work for a bit because the “animal relocator” people that I had to hire myself cannot make it over until noon.
The animal expert shows up and looks at the mountain of crap and tells me that I have raccoons. “They take dumps the size of German Shepards.” Good to know. If I ever make it on Jeopardy I want Trebek to say:
“This woodland create is small in size but has an asshole the size of a grapefruit and takes disproportionally large dumps to it’s overall stature.”
I can guarantee I would be the first to buzz in. What are XXXXing raccoons Alex?” It would probably be a daily double.
We also noticed little paw prints on my pseudo-suede couch. They also decided to jump around their crap and then play raccoon hop-scotch all over the carpet. Little shitty prints here and there…maybe they were line dancing – either way shitty paw prints all over the carpet.
So the trap is set and we get to wait until dark.
My girlfriend and I go out to a late dinner and come back around 10:30. Sure enough we hear something in the trap downstairs. Now she is very cavalier about the entire thing and has no problem heading down to check it out. I have never seen a raccoon in person like she has so I keep picturing some little creature is going to jump out of the walls and try to lay eggs down my throat like in “Alien” (yes I know they are mammals – mammals don’t lay eggs, blah blah blah)
We see two of these little suckers in the cage. While I think we are victorious over the raccoon infestation we hear some weird growling in the walls. One the “others” has their little face up against the electrical outlet from inside the wall and it is making weird noises. Well that was enough for me and I call my trap guy….yeah, I have a trap guy.
He comes over at 11:30 and takes these two away and sets another trap. Sure enough the next morning I go to check the trap and there is another one…..that is the video you saw above.
Without dragging this on too much I can summarize the rest by telling you we finally caught “Mamma” and she was big.
So I cleaned out the storage room where they did the most damage and were eventually closed off in….and here we are today. A few weeks later it still smells like they had a Mardi Gras of shit and piss. Slaughter houses smell better than this – if you could bottle a slaughter house scent I would sprinkle it around my basement to freshen it up a bit.
So I have a crack in my foundation under my porch where the raccoons got in, I have to have a hazmat team come in and clean the carpets, tear out the walls to look for more shit, get the concrete steam pressure washed, replace the dry wall and deodorize the entire space with some anti-microbial solution.
The animal trapper wasn’t cheap and my insurance deductible…well it’s up there. I even paid to make sure the raccoons were literally relocated to a wooded area far away instead of drowning them in a burlap sack. I went the humane way and it costs me a few more bucks.
So I am selling some things to pay for this mess.
A free standing chin up bar: I don’t know how to romanticize this piece of equipment. It’s a sturdy pull up bar you can do pull ups, chin ups and dips. If you are just starting out on your fitness quest chances are you be pretty pissed off you can’t even pull up your own fat ass so instead it will sit in your garage and be used as an outdoor extension cord hanger and a place for last year’s Christmas lights. $75
A P90X chin up bar: Tony Horton you son of a bitch. The crazy P90X fitness program requires you have a pullup bar. I bought this and the other one too. This is indoors. You want a description, look it up. I will say this – online you can get this for probably $60. The fact that I already put this thing together is worth every penny. This is contraption took me an hour to put together. You’re welcome. $35
A purple pimp chair: this really cool chair is purple and very modern. I would venture to say that it at one time retailed for $500. It’s in my guest room just taking up space now and my pimping days are over. $100
Sweet Treadmill: I will say that this is a prize. I have probably run/walked/almost vomited about 40 miles on it over time. It is very cushy and you do feel like you a running on a cloud. I bought it for $450. Since I hate running I have since used it to dry clothes. It can accommodate about 8 hanging shirts without crowding. Going for $250.
Ab Lounge: Yes, yet another late night TV infomercial purchase. So you’re in bed late at night and these companies know just what to say and how to say it. This thing actually works – your abs will be so sore it will hurt to sneeze. $49.99
Heavy bag stand with bag: Nothing clever here, a stand to hang the bag and after a bad day of work you can simply beat the hell out of this thing without it pressing charges. I kick it around like it owes me money but now I think I have my anger under control. Time to go….$100.
Big 36” glass tube tv - $25.
I do not negotiate with raccoons and I don’t negotiate on these prices.
If you want to ask me if I’ll take $X.XX instead of what I’m asking I’ll just snap. I didn’t really need to sell these things, the new gym membership has taken place of a lot of these things but the craptacular fiesta in my basement has created a need for extra cash.
NONE of these items were in my basement so you don’t have to worry about them smelling.
http://denver.craigslist.org/spo/1857843060.html
If you are at all interested in purchasing:
A free standing chin-up bar
A purple chair that should/was owned by a pimp
A sweet treadmill
An Ab Lounge
An Everlast freestanding heavy bag frame and heavy bag.
A 36” glass tube TV.
If you are not but you also have a hatred for furry little bastards with opposable thumbs, then please read on.
This ad is no way embellished to generate sympathy to push a potential buyer to purchase these amazing bargains.
So one fine morning I wake up to go and hit the gym at 5:30. My fat ass finally joined a gym close to my house and I actually enjoy it…..hence one of the 2 reasons I am selling a lot of fitness equipment.
I hear a noise I had never heard before so I went to the basement and opened the door. I felt as if I was 8 years old again and nothing is scarier than a dark basement. I turn on the light and walk down half of the stairway, I turn the corner and low and behold I see a nice collection of shit. I am trying to be proper here and I was considering telling you it was “feces” but that doesn’t do this huge pile of shit justice.
Now we’re not talking rabbit droppings, hell rabbit shit is kinda cute…and we’re not talking elephant shit to where the sheer size of it is not gross but just pretty cool. We are talking the perfect size of crap to make you wonder if some homeless family of 6 is taking dumps on your fresh carpet and living in your basement at night.
Now I see this pile and I hear bizarre noises – well it almost made me a deposit of my own at the top of the stairs so I decided to call the cops.
I can’t exactly recall what I said but it was something to the effect of “There might be someone in my basement and they took a huge shit at the bottom of my steps.”
You have to give these 911 dispatchers credit that she didn’t laugh into the receiver. She actually asked me to describe the “feces”. Now I’m no shit expert. I do know that if you eat too many black jelly beans or drink too much grape Kool-Aid your next bowel movement will look like your ass is a salad shooter because what comes out is about as bright green as a four leaf clover. Everyone is trying to go green – drink a quart of grape Kool-Aid and some Indian food and you’ll see what I mean.
So the cops show up and “clear” my basement. We have now determined that there are no people living my basement but we do hear some scraping in the walls. They get there little retriever pole with the cable on the end but we never see what we hear. They decide to dispatch animal control who comes on at 8am.
It’s now 8:15 and I’m late for work so I decide to call the animal control people. Turns out it was my lucky day – the animal control guy called in sick. I was also informed that animal control messes around with cats and dogs – they don’t do wildlife. My tax dollars hard at work.
I run to work for a bit because the “animal relocator” people that I had to hire myself cannot make it over until noon.
The animal expert shows up and looks at the mountain of crap and tells me that I have raccoons. “They take dumps the size of German Shepards.” Good to know. If I ever make it on Jeopardy I want Trebek to say:
“This woodland create is small in size but has an asshole the size of a grapefruit and takes disproportionally large dumps to it’s overall stature.”
I can guarantee I would be the first to buzz in. What are XXXXing raccoons Alex?” It would probably be a daily double.
We also noticed little paw prints on my pseudo-suede couch. They also decided to jump around their crap and then play raccoon hop-scotch all over the carpet. Little shitty prints here and there…maybe they were line dancing – either way shitty paw prints all over the carpet.
So the trap is set and we get to wait until dark.
My girlfriend and I go out to a late dinner and come back around 10:30. Sure enough we hear something in the trap downstairs. Now she is very cavalier about the entire thing and has no problem heading down to check it out. I have never seen a raccoon in person like she has so I keep picturing some little creature is going to jump out of the walls and try to lay eggs down my throat like in “Alien” (yes I know they are mammals – mammals don’t lay eggs, blah blah blah)
We see two of these little suckers in the cage. While I think we are victorious over the raccoon infestation we hear some weird growling in the walls. One the “others” has their little face up against the electrical outlet from inside the wall and it is making weird noises. Well that was enough for me and I call my trap guy….yeah, I have a trap guy.
He comes over at 11:30 and takes these two away and sets another trap. Sure enough the next morning I go to check the trap and there is another one…..that is the video you saw above.
Without dragging this on too much I can summarize the rest by telling you we finally caught “Mamma” and she was big.
So I cleaned out the storage room where they did the most damage and were eventually closed off in….and here we are today. A few weeks later it still smells like they had a Mardi Gras of shit and piss. Slaughter houses smell better than this – if you could bottle a slaughter house scent I would sprinkle it around my basement to freshen it up a bit.
So I have a crack in my foundation under my porch where the raccoons got in, I have to have a hazmat team come in and clean the carpets, tear out the walls to look for more shit, get the concrete steam pressure washed, replace the dry wall and deodorize the entire space with some anti-microbial solution.
The animal trapper wasn’t cheap and my insurance deductible…well it’s up there. I even paid to make sure the raccoons were literally relocated to a wooded area far away instead of drowning them in a burlap sack. I went the humane way and it costs me a few more bucks.
So I am selling some things to pay for this mess.
A free standing chin up bar: I don’t know how to romanticize this piece of equipment. It’s a sturdy pull up bar you can do pull ups, chin ups and dips. If you are just starting out on your fitness quest chances are you be pretty pissed off you can’t even pull up your own fat ass so instead it will sit in your garage and be used as an outdoor extension cord hanger and a place for last year’s Christmas lights. $75
A P90X chin up bar: Tony Horton you son of a bitch. The crazy P90X fitness program requires you have a pullup bar. I bought this and the other one too. This is indoors. You want a description, look it up. I will say this – online you can get this for probably $60. The fact that I already put this thing together is worth every penny. This is contraption took me an hour to put together. You’re welcome. $35
A purple pimp chair: this really cool chair is purple and very modern. I would venture to say that it at one time retailed for $500. It’s in my guest room just taking up space now and my pimping days are over. $100
Sweet Treadmill: I will say that this is a prize. I have probably run/walked/almost vomited about 40 miles on it over time. It is very cushy and you do feel like you a running on a cloud. I bought it for $450. Since I hate running I have since used it to dry clothes. It can accommodate about 8 hanging shirts without crowding. Going for $250.
Ab Lounge: Yes, yet another late night TV infomercial purchase. So you’re in bed late at night and these companies know just what to say and how to say it. This thing actually works – your abs will be so sore it will hurt to sneeze. $49.99
Heavy bag stand with bag: Nothing clever here, a stand to hang the bag and after a bad day of work you can simply beat the hell out of this thing without it pressing charges. I kick it around like it owes me money but now I think I have my anger under control. Time to go….$100.
Big 36” glass tube tv - $25.
I do not negotiate with raccoons and I don’t negotiate on these prices.
If you want to ask me if I’ll take $X.XX instead of what I’m asking I’ll just snap. I didn’t really need to sell these things, the new gym membership has taken place of a lot of these things but the craptacular fiesta in my basement has created a need for extra cash.
NONE of these items were in my basement so you don’t have to worry about them smelling.
