Joke - Sorry, I'm board.

Fore Wheeler

Fore Wheeler

MWC President
NAXJA Member
Location
Michigan
John recieved a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerly remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fullly intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior"

John was sutnned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
A interstate trucker is hauling a load of Penquins to the zoo when his rig breaks down. A fellow trucker notices his trouble and askes to help. The troubled trucker replies "yes...I need you to take these Penquins to the zoo", the helpfull trucker agrees and off him and the penquins go.

A few days later....

The original trucker sees all these penquins walking down the street....and the helpfull trucker is leading them!!! The trucker runs up to the lead and screams "I thoought I told you to take these penquins to the zoo!!!" To which the helpfull trucker replies...




















"I did!!!...today we are going to the museum!!!"




Rev
 
A nun, an Indian, a dog, and a nurse walk into a bar. The bartender says "What's this, a joke?"
 
...and another one

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
 
Oh no. That was hilarious Fitch:D
 
A man recieves a goose as a gift. Being a city boy he dosen't know what to do with a pet goose. One night he decides to take the goose to the movie theater. When he arrives at the theater he is told he cannot bring a live animal inside. Not wanting to take the goose back home, he stuffs the goose down the front of his pants. Once in side the theater, he takes a seat next to two old ladies. After the theater darkens and the movie starts, he unzips his fly and lets the goose poke it's head out.

After the movie one old lady says to her friend, " Did you see what that man next to you was doing during the show?"

Her friend replies, "Yes, I really did not mind untill 'it' started eating my popcorn!"
 
Here's one more....

Everyone has heard of Loraina Bobbet, right?

Well what was never as well known was on the night or the dastardly deed, she left the house in her car not realizing that she was still holding the...severed member...in her hand. After a few minuets or driving, she realized what she was holding, rolled down the window and tossed it out.

Well it just happened that a car was coming the opposite way. As she tossed the...severed member...out the two cars pass and it hits the windshield of the passing car.

The man driving the car sees something hit the windshield and asks his wife, "What kind of bug was that?"

She replies, "I don't know, but did you see the size of it's penis?"
 
I got one more...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?(oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
Well...

Not really a joke, but while I was in the service, I did some EOD work.

The guys I worked with gave me a shirt...

On the front right (like a crest) was a copy of the military EOD badge, surrounded by "Explosive Device Technician."

On the back - in big bold letters - "If you see me running, you'd better catch up!"

5-90
 
OK back to the parrot theme.......
There is a guy named tom. Well Tom has 2 female parrots, Beth and Susie, these parrots only say one phrase over and over"Hey we are hookers....$25" Well in dispair and out of ideas he goes to his preacher. His preacher has 2 male parrots, Joeseph and Moses, that only say the word of god, and have never said anything offensive. They come up with the idea to get the parrots all together in hopes that the preachers parrots will clense Tom's parrots. Well tom takes his parrots to the preachers house and is absolutly amazed...he walked in and both the preachers parrots were on there perch with roserie beads, head bowed, praying silently. Well tom brought his two parrots over and sat them on the perch next to Joeseph and moses, and Beth and Susie said in unison "Hey we are hookers......$25" all of a sudden the preachers parrots stopped praying dropped the beads and joeseph turned to moses and said "we can quit praying.....our prayers HAVE benn answered"!!!!!
 
Caution, Dirty Joke Ahead

One day in Little Johnny's Sunday school class, the teacher asked the students "When you die, which part of your body goes to heaven first"?
A little girl raised her hand, and when called upon she answered "I think it's your head, because when your flying up to heaven, your head goes first".
Little Johnny perked up and shouted "WRONG! It's your feet that go first".
The teacher asked," Why do you think that, Johnny"?
To this Johnny replies," Well, the other night I heard a loud ruckus coming from my Mom and Dad's room. It was so bad, I thought someone was dying in there! So I opened up the door and there was my Mom on the bed with her feet up in the air screaming,"OH GOD I'M COMING!". And my Dad didn't want her to go, because he was holding her down to keep her from flying away!"


I know, booooo, hissss. But it's alls I got.
 
parrot theme cont....

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
 
a little long, but it is my all time favorite joke.

Next outing, get me to tell this joke after I've had a couple!

One afternoon a man walkes into a bar and says to the bar tender, "Show me the maenest One afternoon a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “ Show me the meanest M. Fer here!”
The bartender points to Clyde and says, “Here’s over there playing pool.”
The little man walks over to where Clyde is playing and mixes the balls all up. Clyde takes a swing at him, and the little man drops him with one punch than leaves.

The next day the little man walks into the same bar asks the bartender, “Where is the meanest M. Fer in here?”
The bar tender points to Jim and says, “ He’s over there playing cards, but don’t mess with him he has a lot of money on this hand.”
The little man walks over to Jim and shouts out all the cards he has in his hand. Jim stands up to deck the little man, but before he could, the little man again drops him with one punch, then walks out the door.

Again the next day, “ Where is the toughest M. Fer in here!”
The bar tender looks at the little man and says, “Well Jake is over there eating a sandwich, but don’t mess with him he got laid off today.”
The little man walks over to Jake, takes a bite of his sandwich, puts the rest on the floor and grinds his heal in to it. Jake stands up and again the little man knocks him out.

Well the next day the bartender figured he would fix the little man. He went to his buddy the zookeeper and borrowed an Oranatang. The Bartender locked the Oranatang in one of the bathroom stalls.

The little man came in again, but before he cold speak the bartender said, “He is in taking a s**t.”
The little man went in to the John and everyone gathered around the door to listen. Soon pictures were falling of the walls and dust was coming out from under the door. It sounded like WW3.

After twenty minutes, the little man came out of the John, his eyes were swollen shut, his leg was broken, and all his clothing was torn. He looks at the bartender and says, “When that faggot wakes up, tell him his fur coat is stuffed in the toilet!”
 
Mary is in the pet store and there is a parrot marked $10.00.

She asks the clerk why the parrot is only $10.00.

He tells her that it was raised in a brothel and knows many words that bother most people.

She decides that she can rehabilitate the bird, and takes him home.

After about five minutes in his new home the bird squawks out "new home New madam"

Mary tells it not to say that again.

Then, about an hour later Mary's teenage daughters get home from high school. Let bird squawks out "New home, new madam, new girls!"

Mary tells the bird that's not right and won't be accepted in his "new" home.

Later that evening Mary's husband Frank gets home. The bird squawks out "New home, new madam, new girls, same old Frank."
 
for all the married guys...

A guy with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we
both have black eyes. Do you mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of
saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally
said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. . . . so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister, too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-a$$ed, b!tch.'"
 
A man comes home at 10:00 AM Sunday morning, there at the door is his wife who had been waiting for him since mid-night.
She says, "look at you coming in at 10:00AM. How did you get those two black eyes?"

He looks at her and says he has been to church. She says, "Church, how do you get two black eyes at church?"

He says," well I went to church this morning and in front of me was a very large lady. When we stood up to sing I noticed her dress was lodged between her butt cheecks. I thought to myself that that must be very uncomfortable, so I reached over the pew and pulled her dress out."

She says," well that explaines one black eye, how did you get the other one?"

He says," well how was I supposed to know that she did not want me to put it back in there!"
 
OK, One more. Don't worry, I will never run out!

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He stops and picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around in a circle above his head. A patron in the bar asks " What are you doing?" He replies"looking around".
 
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